I know this place.
I know the "routines".
I know the students (sort of) and the staff.
It's all so familiar (my 11th year here after all).
But some things are not quite as they seem.
Background pain - a mysterious ache here, a sharp something over there.
And should things really be so easy/light?
After all, my time is running out quickly now - do I have any right to feel I belong?
Aren't I some kind of ghost?
Greeted and smiled at ("how are you?" "good, thanks!")...for the time being.
Am I not too "ill" to be doing something "normal"?
Shouldn't I just stop now, go off and crawl into some dark hole to await whatever will take me away?
Am I not pretending/kidding/fooling myself?
And yet something in the eyes of others tells me that I am not a ghost.
Something in my heart tells me that here is where I am and here and now is where I am supposed to be.
Doing my thing.
Breathing my breaths.
Singing my songs.
Struggling with my pain, fear, uncertainty ...like any other living soul on this planet.
(What makes YOU so special? 3rd nipple???)
Enjoying friends, laughter, coffee, sunlight (gorgeous winter sunlight that warms the heart even more while it is cold), music, teenagers.
Don't question the validity.
Dare to let go and enjoy...
Jump into the Ocean.
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"If I prick you, do you not bleed? If I tickle you, do you not laugh?" I'm pretty sure you're not a ghost but I'll test it next time I see you. Just in case.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I've heard that some people are born with four nipples.
Thanks for helping me to put things into perspective!
ReplyDeleteHi Gerald & Lois – I too am a first time blogger – but, hey, there’s a first time for everything, especially in the parallel universe in which you now find yourselves. We haven’t seen each other for about 25 years, but I was gutted to hear your news through the grapevine (via Roseanne on Sunday). I feel that I should have words of wisdom and strength to offer at this time, having had a run-in with cancer myself six years ago. But all that comes to mind right now is: go with the flow; allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, without judging it; lie down if you’re tired; cry if that is what you want to do; no-one else can do this thing for you, and it will be both the most difficult thing you’ve ever done, and at the same time it can seem so easy (that no doubt makes absolutely no sense right now). Be as utterly selfish as you need to be (no-one is going to judge you for it), and ask for whatever it is that you need – whether from those that you love, from the medical system, or from God (not necessarily in that order!). Which reminds me: they used to hand out parking vouchers from the oncology reception desk, so patients could park near the oncology building (not in the Wilson’s casino) when they were coming in for treatment. It might pay to ask about them. They also had very nice people on the drive outside the onco. unit to direct patients to an available car park. It might all have changed, but I hope not: it was a system that worked. I’m a bit confused whether it is tomorrow or next Friday that you begin chemo: whichever it is, I am praying (with everyone else) that the potion is the best vintage, and that it hits its target. Arohanui and Godspeed, Deirdre
ReplyDeleteHi, Deirdre.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear from you!
Thanks for the advice/encouragement.
The nice parking man is apparently still there, sorting out spaces!
I will try to be as "selfish" as possible, and most of all rest when I need to.
Hoping to hear more of you as the treatment "progresses",
love,
Gerald.
FWIW, all, I tried the tickling test this morning and it wasn't appreciated. I think this means he's not a ghost.
ReplyDeleteOh...so that's what the tickling was about. Indisputable proof!
ReplyDeleteThanks,
G.
Yes indeed. So indisputable I (thankfully) didn't need to proceed to the other test.
ReplyDelete