Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Do they know it's Christmas?
Most people in NZ seem to. Hey, it's time off work and supermarket raiding time - after all, the SHOPS WILL SHUT for a whole day, they say.
Mike and Phil, Sophie's godparents, sent a circular WITHOUT AN INDIVDUAL NOTE to let us know how particularly important we are. I believe that is known as poor form (just trying to imitate your writing style, Mike - how'd I do?) :-) lovely to hear from you even if you admit to the extreme over-achievement yourselves, always daunting for normal folks, you know ...
Richard and Ruth are - well - how do you think a vicar's family would be during a London Christmas? End-of-year reporting time doesn't come close, at least in terms of the crush of the congregation and their inescapable expectations (that's what congregations are for, innit?). Is that true, guys?
Theo and Els dropped off a card, knowing, perhaps that energy for keeping all the household teens polite can run out - happy Christmas to you and your sons - and your niece - too.
Kerry came with a brave response to the first classical CD I have lent him (here's what I liked and didn't, keep trying) - and took another. Testing out Tchaik Piano Concerto No 1 cos he liked the celebratory 3rd movt of the Dvorak violin concerto. It feels to me like the Dumky trio might be a good next. And then of course he continues to give the "other side" - the left-hand-side bookshelf pop/rock/world music the workout it deserves.
Sam and Ben and Mike and others have kindly engaged Alex's brain and motor skills in joint internet killing-games-marathons, and of course the whole person in Star-Wars-watching and swimming sessions (not at the same time). I hope you guys have some clue just how much of a gift this is.
Christie, Marc, Jenny, Adele, Jenny, Michael, Patricia, Kate and other non-forgetters have stayed close and borne with the ups, downs and sideways's.
Families - it's a tough job, carry on giving the benefit of the doubt and enjoy your own familyettes ...
Other non-small-island-nation friends - Julia, Lynora, Rob, Alan and others - thinking of you.
Blog readers, responders, emailers, remaining-interested parties - I'm glad you find something interesting to read sometimes. Just one woman's opinion.
My oldest :-) friends from school, uni and growing up the first time around: Katherine, Read, Susan, Christie in here x2 - thanks for helping develop the plot, and I hope you get something back for your input.
To those without a personal mention: either you're one of the most important or I've forgotten you in this particular half-hour. You decide. xx
Now it's stopping time, take some of your own, enjoy, do some laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNoS2BU6bbQ
- a very silly oldie.
L
Mike and Phil, Sophie's godparents, sent a circular WITHOUT AN INDIVDUAL NOTE to let us know how particularly important we are. I believe that is known as poor form (just trying to imitate your writing style, Mike - how'd I do?) :-) lovely to hear from you even if you admit to the extreme over-achievement yourselves, always daunting for normal folks, you know ...
Richard and Ruth are - well - how do you think a vicar's family would be during a London Christmas? End-of-year reporting time doesn't come close, at least in terms of the crush of the congregation and their inescapable expectations (that's what congregations are for, innit?). Is that true, guys?
Theo and Els dropped off a card, knowing, perhaps that energy for keeping all the household teens polite can run out - happy Christmas to you and your sons - and your niece - too.
Kerry came with a brave response to the first classical CD I have lent him (here's what I liked and didn't, keep trying) - and took another. Testing out Tchaik Piano Concerto No 1 cos he liked the celebratory 3rd movt of the Dvorak violin concerto. It feels to me like the Dumky trio might be a good next. And then of course he continues to give the "other side" - the left-hand-side bookshelf pop/rock/world music the workout it deserves.
Sam and Ben and Mike and others have kindly engaged Alex's brain and motor skills in joint internet killing-games-marathons, and of course the whole person in Star-Wars-watching and swimming sessions (not at the same time). I hope you guys have some clue just how much of a gift this is.
Christie, Marc, Jenny, Adele, Jenny, Michael, Patricia, Kate and other non-forgetters have stayed close and borne with the ups, downs and sideways's.
Families - it's a tough job, carry on giving the benefit of the doubt and enjoy your own familyettes ...
Other non-small-island-nation friends - Julia, Lynora, Rob, Alan and others - thinking of you.
Blog readers, responders, emailers, remaining-interested parties - I'm glad you find something interesting to read sometimes. Just one woman's opinion.
My oldest :-) friends from school, uni and growing up the first time around: Katherine, Read, Susan, Christie in here x2 - thanks for helping develop the plot, and I hope you get something back for your input.
To those without a personal mention: either you're one of the most important or I've forgotten you in this particular half-hour. You decide. xx
Now it's stopping time, take some of your own, enjoy, do some laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNoS2BU6bbQ
- a very silly oldie.
L
More flowery stuff
What makes some situations feel OK / good / incredible?
Some things that do, for me:
WANTING
The process and state of wanting itself (scary words like need, desire, aspiration, ambition touch some of the edges) integral to having the energy to live at all.
ACHIEVEMENT
The very temporary but springy buzz of achievement, the concrete outcome of sacrificial choices. An infinite list of potential successes (no need to fear the S-word, it's easy enough to remember that failures are far more numerous): a successfully managed occasion or event, a fluid piece of writing, a performance of any sort, the creation of a thing of beauty ...
BEAUTY
A yearning melody catching at the heart, a colour or a shape, a concept, a momentary freedom,a harmonic shift encapsulating a hard-won inner peace, a convergence that flashes a moment of emotional brilliance, a stolen moment with nature, another infinite list ...
CHANGE
Positive change in or for someone where something I have said, have done, have made happen, or (best) am provides a punch-the-air jolt of purpose and connection.
ENCOURAGEMENT
Encouragement or affirmation, sourced internally or externally to the god-aware self - you can, you are, you have done enough, you are beautiful, capable, challenging, comforting, worthwhile, special to me, no me too, you shine, you are radiant!
LOVE
(of a particular kind, partial but real)
The euphoric energy of being IN love with another - the beautifully selective vision (aka rose-coloured glasses), the sense of possibility, the blossoming of natural courage and emotional potential, the peak experiences, knowing this must be ephemeral! and still the fullness of the living is undiminished.
All of these for all of us - wondrous and real, cast sometimes randomly amidst the not-to-like and the hard, pointy, tough stuff.
Else who would bother?
Your own triggers and motivators will be different - what are they?
L
(Blue Christmas service for sad people, time to stop trying so hard, help for Alex, small occasional (at least) joys for all of us, buying stuff for Christmas, African Christmas decoration for our tree, a PARTY with a gentle fun buzz and a purple dress (not mine), warm days and the pool, more books, helping the children through the first Christmas 7 weeks on.)
Some things that do, for me:
WANTING
The process and state of wanting itself (scary words like need, desire, aspiration, ambition touch some of the edges) integral to having the energy to live at all.
ACHIEVEMENT
The very temporary but springy buzz of achievement, the concrete outcome of sacrificial choices. An infinite list of potential successes (no need to fear the S-word, it's easy enough to remember that failures are far more numerous): a successfully managed occasion or event, a fluid piece of writing, a performance of any sort, the creation of a thing of beauty ...
BEAUTY
A yearning melody catching at the heart, a colour or a shape, a concept, a momentary freedom,a harmonic shift encapsulating a hard-won inner peace, a convergence that flashes a moment of emotional brilliance, a stolen moment with nature, another infinite list ...
CHANGE
Positive change in or for someone where something I have said, have done, have made happen, or (best) am provides a punch-the-air jolt of purpose and connection.
ENCOURAGEMENT
Encouragement or affirmation, sourced internally or externally to the god-aware self - you can, you are, you have done enough, you are beautiful, capable, challenging, comforting, worthwhile, special to me, no me too, you shine, you are radiant!
LOVE
(of a particular kind, partial but real)
The euphoric energy of being IN love with another - the beautifully selective vision (aka rose-coloured glasses), the sense of possibility, the blossoming of natural courage and emotional potential, the peak experiences, knowing this must be ephemeral! and still the fullness of the living is undiminished.
All of these for all of us - wondrous and real, cast sometimes randomly amidst the not-to-like and the hard, pointy, tough stuff.
Else who would bother?
Your own triggers and motivators will be different - what are they?
L
(Blue Christmas service for sad people, time to stop trying so hard, help for Alex, small occasional (at least) joys for all of us, buying stuff for Christmas, African Christmas decoration for our tree, a PARTY with a gentle fun buzz and a purple dress (not mine), warm days and the pool, more books, helping the children through the first Christmas 7 weeks on.)
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Strong, centred, inspired and free
When are you?
- Relaxing down into a physical reality, succumbing to the human body and its workings - a source of anguish, joy, disappointment, relief, release and energy.
- Using same body to its physical maximum rewarded by (at best) that soaring power, joy, refocus and unjangling.
- Work that demands, rewards, makes a (small) contribution, absorbs and teaches. Where I am exhilarated, differentiated, free to choose, not trapped, decide, lead, and good things happen as a result.
- Earned ease.
- Centring time with no-one to look after.
- Sharing time - learning, bearing burdens, transfer of joy and pain, intermingling with courage for mutual gain, the comfort of belonging.
When are you?
L
(No drivers licence yet, friends to play with, university appointments, blinds for my room, House, the Mentalist and Criminal Minds, books from the library, sneaky and serious peeks into the learning for next year, Omokuroa and Sydney coming up for Sophie, tramping boots and more to acquire.)
- Relaxing down into a physical reality, succumbing to the human body and its workings - a source of anguish, joy, disappointment, relief, release and energy.
- Using same body to its physical maximum rewarded by (at best) that soaring power, joy, refocus and unjangling.
- Work that demands, rewards, makes a (small) contribution, absorbs and teaches. Where I am exhilarated, differentiated, free to choose, not trapped, decide, lead, and good things happen as a result.
- Earned ease.
- Centring time with no-one to look after.
- Sharing time - learning, bearing burdens, transfer of joy and pain, intermingling with courage for mutual gain, the comfort of belonging.
When are you?
L
(No drivers licence yet, friends to play with, university appointments, blinds for my room, House, the Mentalist and Criminal Minds, books from the library, sneaky and serious peeks into the learning for next year, Omokuroa and Sydney coming up for Sophie, tramping boots and more to acquire.)
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Less than 20 questions
How is it that the availability of resources, a position of influence and the possibility of power all seem like good and enjoyable things?
Could the childrens' emotional well-being, growth and recovery be a manageable part of a new life, and not the overwhelming whole?
Is 25 years' working life (assuming starting a :-) proper job :-) again at 50) quite a reasonable length of time to play with, or so laughably short as to make it barely worthwhile bothering?
Will ideas, intellect, intuition, knowledge, experience and integrity be enough?
If thinking is important, why are we so afraid that people will waste time doing it?
L
Could the childrens' emotional well-being, growth and recovery be a manageable part of a new life, and not the overwhelming whole?
Is 25 years' working life (assuming starting a :-) proper job :-) again at 50) quite a reasonable length of time to play with, or so laughably short as to make it barely worthwhile bothering?
Will ideas, intellect, intuition, knowledge, experience and integrity be enough?
If thinking is important, why are we so afraid that people will waste time doing it?
L
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Busy?
Not me.
Sophie's prizegiving, cried all the time, don't know why. Possible reasons:
- gratitude that, whereever it takes her, Sophie is at an outstanding school with good pastoral, academic, sporting and whole person support.
- sitting down for a couple of hours in the presence of all those girls - all that potential.
- being aware that there are places where it is normal to expect to achieve, supported by the understanding that achievement is an iterative process, comes in intensely personal forms and includes failure as part of the never-ending trip. Validating for me, not just on my childrens' behalf.
- Sophie's own achievements - an academic overall Achievement award, a Parents and Friends' award for Fellowship, and the Writing prize for year 9. I'd say in spite of all - if I didn't think that results are because of, not in spite of, events that happen and the way we are helped to deal with them.
- being there on behalf of both Gerald and myself, with all the unprocessed weight of Gerald's expectations and hopes for going on supporting his kids.
Alex decided to resit his restricted driving test (next Friday, at Orewa). His decision was prompted by the Monday tester's assessment that without a resit he would not have a license :-)
Two hours instruction on the course the day before with a lady who will poke with a sharp stick every time carelessness or inattention or overconfidence strike will hopefully do the expensive trick.
A CT-scan-guided corticosteriod injection into my spine at Auckland Radiology to bathe the nerves of L4/L5 yesterday afternoon passed without drama. Need to keep stillish for 24 hours, then take it easy for another 6 days. Sounds a bad idea to me ... only because I have little hope for change.
Nothing has worked so far, I have lots of pain and lots of dysfunction (leg doesn't work) and live on painkillers and anti-inflammatories and restricted amounts of walking and no running and odd positions with a 90 degree cushion-assisted kink in my spine, always a chair for my feet, or flat on my back, pretty rough for studying or any kind of normal life. Grumble.
Rant over. I hope it works.
The weather is still good. Almost a straight run, barring a few days, of warmth and sunshine since Gerald's death (5 weeks today). It helps.
Enjoy the day, the warmth, the pain, the progress, the people - whatever you get today.
L
Sophie's prizegiving, cried all the time, don't know why. Possible reasons:
- gratitude that, whereever it takes her, Sophie is at an outstanding school with good pastoral, academic, sporting and whole person support.
- sitting down for a couple of hours in the presence of all those girls - all that potential.
- being aware that there are places where it is normal to expect to achieve, supported by the understanding that achievement is an iterative process, comes in intensely personal forms and includes failure as part of the never-ending trip. Validating for me, not just on my childrens' behalf.
- Sophie's own achievements - an academic overall Achievement award, a Parents and Friends' award for Fellowship, and the Writing prize for year 9. I'd say in spite of all - if I didn't think that results are because of, not in spite of, events that happen and the way we are helped to deal with them.
- being there on behalf of both Gerald and myself, with all the unprocessed weight of Gerald's expectations and hopes for going on supporting his kids.
Alex decided to resit his restricted driving test (next Friday, at Orewa). His decision was prompted by the Monday tester's assessment that without a resit he would not have a license :-)
Two hours instruction on the course the day before with a lady who will poke with a sharp stick every time carelessness or inattention or overconfidence strike will hopefully do the expensive trick.
A CT-scan-guided corticosteriod injection into my spine at Auckland Radiology to bathe the nerves of L4/L5 yesterday afternoon passed without drama. Need to keep stillish for 24 hours, then take it easy for another 6 days. Sounds a bad idea to me ... only because I have little hope for change.
Nothing has worked so far, I have lots of pain and lots of dysfunction (leg doesn't work) and live on painkillers and anti-inflammatories and restricted amounts of walking and no running and odd positions with a 90 degree cushion-assisted kink in my spine, always a chair for my feet, or flat on my back, pretty rough for studying or any kind of normal life. Grumble.
Rant over. I hope it works.
The weather is still good. Almost a straight run, barring a few days, of warmth and sunshine since Gerald's death (5 weeks today). It helps.
Enjoy the day, the warmth, the pain, the progress, the people - whatever you get today.
L
Monday, December 6, 2010
Comfy
Are you?
Sitting comfy?
How do I need to behave to keep you that way?
Comfy, I mean?
Do you need to be able to understand what I do, what I decide, or what I choose?
It's always easier when we mutually understand - but to insist on it, to believe it to be necessary, would result in paralysis.
Listening is good.
Dictating is not.
Except, apparently, when bringing up children ...
One month today. It's the 6th of December. At least it's not a Saturday. Beautiful Saturdays at 6 pm ... a hearse leaving the house, ambling slowly and respectfully up the long, long driveway ... the still air and the internal keening.
There's some stuff I feel that I wish I didn't.
No one else needs to know what those things are, necessarily - but it helps sometimes to admit them to myself.
It's always a bit tough being beyond the emotional pale.
It is frightening when our friends go there, veer outside the polite-conversation and manageable-eccentricity range - it makes it that much harder to paper over our own cracks and to avoid confronting questions.
"Why do you want so much?"
I don't know. Why is it frightening to you that I do?
L
Sitting comfy?
How do I need to behave to keep you that way?
Comfy, I mean?
Do you need to be able to understand what I do, what I decide, or what I choose?
It's always easier when we mutually understand - but to insist on it, to believe it to be necessary, would result in paralysis.
Listening is good.
Dictating is not.
Except, apparently, when bringing up children ...
One month today. It's the 6th of December. At least it's not a Saturday. Beautiful Saturdays at 6 pm ... a hearse leaving the house, ambling slowly and respectfully up the long, long driveway ... the still air and the internal keening.
There's some stuff I feel that I wish I didn't.
No one else needs to know what those things are, necessarily - but it helps sometimes to admit them to myself.
It's always a bit tough being beyond the emotional pale.
It is frightening when our friends go there, veer outside the polite-conversation and manageable-eccentricity range - it makes it that much harder to paper over our own cracks and to avoid confronting questions.
"Why do you want so much?"
I don't know. Why is it frightening to you that I do?
L
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Squirm
Feeling skinless, raw, over-sensitive, open to criticism ...
Also hopeful, disciplined, watching for the corner ...
I was so very glad to know my plans for next year, and to have a gap now.
It feels right. Though it's truly tough with all of us feeling (I think) like my first line. We seem to be each willing to try, despite the raised pitched of emotional intensity.
And now I have 2 days out (all of Mon and Tues) coming. It feels very very short - but will be a big enough change to perhaps be long enough.
I started getting jealous of all my friends doing exciting Honours seminars next year, from which I excepted myself earlier when I realised I might really collapse without remedial action and dropped 1 paper. A reasonable option. And now I appreciate the consequences.
I would no more have missed "being there" during Gerald's fading and death than I would have willingly missed the birth experiences of and early months with my children.
Gerald was worth it.
Choppy and changy today.
Lots of thoughts, lots of feelings.
I want to write about the joys and talents of thinking, ideating, and feeling ...
Later
L
Also hopeful, disciplined, watching for the corner ...
I was so very glad to know my plans for next year, and to have a gap now.
It feels right. Though it's truly tough with all of us feeling (I think) like my first line. We seem to be each willing to try, despite the raised pitched of emotional intensity.
And now I have 2 days out (all of Mon and Tues) coming. It feels very very short - but will be a big enough change to perhaps be long enough.
I started getting jealous of all my friends doing exciting Honours seminars next year, from which I excepted myself earlier when I realised I might really collapse without remedial action and dropped 1 paper. A reasonable option. And now I appreciate the consequences.
I would no more have missed "being there" during Gerald's fading and death than I would have willingly missed the birth experiences of and early months with my children.
Gerald was worth it.
Choppy and changy today.
Lots of thoughts, lots of feelings.
I want to write about the joys and talents of thinking, ideating, and feeling ...
Later
L
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