I'm so not insecure

Do they know it's Christmas?

Most people in NZ seem to. Hey, it's time off work and supermarket raiding time - after all, the SHOPS WILL SHUT for a whole day, they say.

Mike and Phil, Sophie's godparents, sent a circular WITHOUT AN INDIVDUAL NOTE to let us know how particularly important we are. I believe that is known as poor form (just trying to imitate your writing style, Mike - how'd I do?) :-) lovely to hear from you even if you admit to the extreme over-achievement yourselves, always daunting for normal folks, you know ...

Richard and Ruth are - well - how do you think a vicar's family would be during a London Christmas? End-of-year reporting time doesn't come close, at least in terms of the crush of the congregation and their inescapable expectations (that's what congregations are for, innit?). Is that true, guys?

Theo and Els dropped off a card, knowing, perhaps that energy for keeping all the household teens polite can run out - happy Christmas to you and your sons - and your niece - too.

Kerry came with a brave response to the first classical CD I have lent him (here's what I liked and didn't, keep trying) - and took another. Testing out Tchaik Piano Concerto No 1 cos he liked the celebratory 3rd movt of the Dvorak violin concerto. It feels to me like the Dumky trio might be a good next. And then of course he continues to give the "other side" - the left-hand-side bookshelf pop/rock/world music the workout it deserves.

Sam and Ben and Mike and others have kindly engaged Alex's brain and motor skills in joint internet killing-games-marathons, and of course the whole person in Star-Wars-watching and swimming sessions (not at the same time). I hope you guys have some clue just how much of a gift this is.

Christie, Marc, Jenny, Adele, Jenny, Michael, Patricia, Kate and other non-forgetters have stayed close and borne with the ups, downs and sideways's.

Families - it's a tough job, carry on giving the benefit of the doubt and enjoy your own familyettes ...

Other non-small-island-nation friends - Julia, Lynora, Rob, Alan and others - thinking of you.

Blog readers, responders, emailers, remaining-interested parties - I'm glad you find something interesting to read sometimes. Just one woman's opinion.

My oldest :-) friends from school, uni and growing up the first time around: Katherine, Read, Susan, Christie in here x2 - thanks for helping develop the plot, and I hope you get something back for your input.

To those without a personal mention: either you're one of the most important or I've forgotten you in this particular half-hour. You decide. xx

Now it's stopping time, take some of your own, enjoy, do some laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNoS2BU6bbQ
- a very silly oldie.

L

More flowery stuff

What makes some situations feel OK / good / incredible?

Some things that do, for me:

WANTING
The process and state of wanting itself (scary words like need, desire, aspiration, ambition touch some of the edges) integral to having the energy to live at all.

ACHIEVEMENT
The very temporary but springy buzz of achievement, the concrete outcome of sacrificial choices. An infinite list of potential successes (no need to fear the S-word, it's easy enough to remember that failures are far more numerous): a successfully managed occasion or event, a fluid piece of writing, a performance of any sort, the creation of a thing of beauty ...

BEAUTY
A yearning melody catching at the heart, a colour or a shape, a concept, a momentary freedom,a harmonic shift encapsulating a hard-won inner peace, a convergence that flashes a moment of emotional brilliance, a stolen moment with nature, another infinite list ...

CHANGE
Positive change in or for someone where something I have said, have done, have made happen, or (best) am provides a punch-the-air jolt of purpose and connection.

ENCOURAGEMENT
Encouragement or affirmation, sourced internally or externally to the god-aware self - you can, you are, you have done enough, you are beautiful, capable, challenging, comforting, worthwhile, special to me, no me too, you shine, you are radiant!

LOVE
(of a particular kind, partial but real)
The euphoric energy of being IN love with another - the beautifully selective vision (aka rose-coloured glasses), the sense of possibility, the blossoming of natural courage and emotional potential, the peak experiences, knowing this must be ephemeral! and still the fullness of the living is undiminished.

All of these for all of us - wondrous and real, cast sometimes randomly amidst the not-to-like and the hard, pointy, tough stuff.

Else who would bother?

Your own triggers and motivators will be different - what are they?

L

(Blue Christmas service for sad people, time to stop trying so hard, help for Alex, small occasional (at least) joys for all of us, buying stuff for Christmas, African Christmas decoration for our tree, a PARTY with a gentle fun buzz and a purple dress (not mine), warm days and the pool, more books, helping the children through the first Christmas 7 weeks on.)

Strong, centred, inspired and free

When are you?

- Relaxing down into a physical reality, succumbing to the human body and its workings - a source of anguish, joy, disappointment, relief, release and energy.
- Using same body to its physical maximum rewarded by (at best) that soaring power, joy, refocus and unjangling.
- Work that demands, rewards, makes a (small) contribution, absorbs and teaches. Where I am exhilarated, differentiated, free to choose, not trapped, decide, lead, and good things happen as a result.
- Earned ease.
- Centring time with no-one to look after.
- Sharing time - learning, bearing burdens, transfer of joy and pain, intermingling with courage for mutual gain, the comfort of belonging.

When are you?

L

(No drivers licence yet, friends to play with, university appointments, blinds for my room, House, the Mentalist and Criminal Minds, books from the library, sneaky and serious peeks into the learning for next year, Omokuroa and Sydney coming up for Sophie, tramping boots and more to acquire.)

Less than 20 questions

How is it that the availability of resources, a position of influence and the possibility of power all seem like good and enjoyable things?

Could the childrens' emotional well-being, growth and recovery be a manageable part of a new life, and not the overwhelming whole?

Is 25 years' working life (assuming starting a :-) proper job :-) again at 50) quite a reasonable length of time to play with, or so laughably short as to make it barely worthwhile bothering?

Will ideas, intellect, intuition, knowledge, experience and integrity be enough?

If thinking is important, why are we so afraid that people will waste time doing it?

L

Busy?

Not me.

Sophie's prizegiving, cried all the time, don't know why. Possible reasons:
- gratitude that, whereever it takes her, Sophie is at an outstanding school with good pastoral, academic, sporting and whole person support.
- sitting down for a couple of hours in the presence of all those girls - all that potential.
- being aware that there are places where it is normal to expect to achieve, supported by the understanding that achievement is an iterative process, comes in intensely personal forms and includes failure as part of the never-ending trip. Validating for me, not just on my childrens' behalf.
- Sophie's own achievements - an academic overall Achievement award, a Parents and Friends' award for Fellowship, and the Writing prize for year 9. I'd say in spite of all - if I didn't think that results are because of, not in spite of, events that happen and the way we are helped to deal with them.
- being there on behalf of both Gerald and myself, with all the unprocessed weight of Gerald's expectations and hopes for going on supporting his kids.

Alex decided to resit his restricted driving test (next Friday, at Orewa). His decision was prompted by the Monday tester's assessment that without a resit he would not have a license :-)
Two hours instruction on the course the day before with a lady who will poke with a sharp stick every time carelessness or inattention or overconfidence strike will hopefully do the expensive trick.

A CT-scan-guided corticosteriod injection into my spine at Auckland Radiology to bathe the nerves of L4/L5 yesterday afternoon passed without drama. Need to keep stillish for 24 hours, then take it easy for another 6 days. Sounds a bad idea to me ... only because I have little hope for change.
Nothing has worked so far, I have lots of pain and lots of dysfunction (leg doesn't work) and live on painkillers and anti-inflammatories and restricted amounts of walking and no running and odd positions with a 90 degree cushion-assisted kink in my spine, always a chair for my feet, or flat on my back, pretty rough for studying or any kind of normal life. Grumble.

Rant over. I hope it works.

The weather is still good. Almost a straight run, barring a few days, of warmth and sunshine since Gerald's death (5 weeks today). It helps.

Enjoy the day, the warmth, the pain, the progress, the people - whatever you get today.

L

Comfy

Are you?
Sitting comfy?

How do I need to behave to keep you that way?
Comfy, I mean?
Do you need to be able to understand what I do, what I decide, or what I choose?
It's always easier when we mutually understand - but to insist on it, to believe it to be necessary, would result in paralysis.

Listening is good.
Dictating is not.
Except, apparently, when bringing up children ...

One month today. It's the 6th of December. At least it's not a Saturday. Beautiful Saturdays at 6 pm ... a hearse leaving the house, ambling slowly and respectfully up the long, long driveway ... the still air and the internal keening.

There's some stuff I feel that I wish I didn't.
No one else needs to know what those things are, necessarily - but it helps sometimes to admit them to myself.

It's always a bit tough being beyond the emotional pale.
It is frightening when our friends go there, veer outside the polite-conversation and manageable-eccentricity range - it makes it that much harder to paper over our own cracks and to avoid confronting questions.

"Why do you want so much?"
I don't know. Why is it frightening to you that I do?

L

Squirm

Feeling skinless, raw, over-sensitive, open to criticism ...

Also hopeful, disciplined, watching for the corner ...

I was so very glad to know my plans for next year, and to have a gap now.
It feels right. Though it's truly tough with all of us feeling (I think) like my first line. We seem to be each willing to try, despite the raised pitched of emotional intensity.

And now I have 2 days out (all of Mon and Tues) coming. It feels very very short - but will be a big enough change to perhaps be long enough.

I started getting jealous of all my friends doing exciting Honours seminars next year, from which I excepted myself earlier when I realised I might really collapse without remedial action and dropped 1 paper. A reasonable option. And now I appreciate the consequences.

I would no more have missed "being there" during Gerald's fading and death than I would have willingly missed the birth experiences of and early months with my children.
Gerald was worth it.

Choppy and changy today.
Lots of thoughts, lots of feelings.
I want to write about the joys and talents of thinking, ideating, and feeling ...
Later

L

Sophie Alex Sophie Alex etc

Alex's personal demo of a tape loop in memoriam was pretty funny ("We Remember Gerald / crying noises / We Remember Gerald / crying noises / We Remember Gerald" etc ad infinitum).

Both my tough though undoubtedly soft and hurt children do some excellent mocking.

Alex has had some good additions to his "Christmas fund" aka saving for Uni aka petrol money the last few days.
No job has yet appeared, but Michael Barker contributed to both the coffers and the lawn-mowing capabilities, whilst Stu Houghton did same re carpet cleaning and other jobs. My Christmas present is looking secure, for which I am grateful.

Sophie is still at school for this week and next.
And, as a friendless reject (if I were to take fairly recent accounts seriously, never believing you again, Soph :-)) she has somehow fooled some of the people some of the time and managed to be awarded a Parents and Friends prize which is voted for by peers within the school.

Also she has won the Writing prize for her year, resulting in a fun chore of going shopping for a book which she will be presented with at Prizegiving, along with the other prize.
She, like me, has no recognisable academic results this year - having missed all the exams, which took place during Funeral Week.

Alex meanwhile probably tries to forget he has to wait till January for his Cambridge iGCSE results, sat before, during, and after Gerald's death. He was the only one of us who didn't miss any exams, which I hope gives him a huge feeling of achievement in itself.

Less typing, more sleep would be good. Only yesterday (or was that today? depends if 1:45 am is still the evening before or an early start to the next day) I went to the Davis (Law Library) and got out books for 3 of my courses, and am a little over-excited about them (well, that's this night's excuse for not being asleep, creative, don't you think?).

At any rate my children indulged me in a show and tell about the 3 books I limited myself to per subject. I'm sure they only pretended to be less than entirely excited. Tomorrow I loan books for 3 more subjects, it just gets better ... even I can hear that this seems over-the-top, though a reasonable response from possibly the most grateful law student of all time.

And more progress today and tomorrow on my woman-cave (as a friend has dubbed my "new" revitalised bedroom / office, set up to exacting requirements (go on, Andrew, you can laugh now) and hopefully soon to reap good results as a positive environment for both kinds of activities (thinking sleep and study, take it easy :-)).
Looking forward ...

Somebody turn off the brain, please, I'll do the lights myself.
Goodnight.

L

Excuses no more

I'm not doing it for Gerald any more.
He was lovely, and he has gone.

Whichever "it" that may be.

So there's no excuse. No "because I was trying to
fit in with what Gerald wanted
do what Gerald wanted
be what Gerald wanted
find what Gerald wanted
love the things Gerald loved
keep Gerald from being afraid
avoid all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons"
for Gerald's sake.

It was never a real excuse, I suspect, though it was often an excellent reason.

L

More than good stuff

"It doesn't seem possible that someone like Dad could have died."
Indeed. Actually, I think he just needed some time out. There he is - a little shame-faced, but expecting to be forgiven, as always. An inappropriate joke comes out, we all feel a bit uncomfortable, then fall about laughing as the follow-up is something truly hilarious.

Or not.

Yesterday I
- handed in my last piece of work for the academic year. It was fine (though boring, and I never got really comfortable with it). It was squeezed out by utter necessity, rather than bubbling to the top of a set of thoughts and meanderings and connections and soundbytes, as the best pieces do.
- was enrolled by the Student Dean at the law school in a full course load (up to the max 80 points per semester allowed by uni rules) for both semesters next year
- was persuaded that Summer School would be a bad idea; better to recover physically and emotionally and be flexible for the summer, do some pre-work, and run into Semester 1 with strength and power.

Which means I am almost certain to be granted some kind of pass in 3 of the 4 basic Law II papers I started with this year, leaving just one (that I had deleted from my record earlier when I thought I might possibly die from overload quicker than Gerald) to repeat next year
And the papers include ones I truly wanted to do, including Intellectual Property Law, and especially, Public International Law and International Human Rights. !!!

I think that is called a "result", which is odd, as abject and complete failure is equally a result.
At any rate, none of the transitionary trials have gotten easier BUT I now know what I will be doing next year, and am more than happy with what that is.

So, who's fault is all this good stuff?
No-one's really, as always: it is a gift - call it good luck (the Bible does), serendipity, karma, answer to prayer, the tide coming in ...

But many people have influenced this result:
- Alex and Sophie, patient with my being away working, walking, thinking, at the library, distracted ... and almost never complaining about that (probably relieved to have my attention diverted :-))
- Gerald. Thankyou. Are you pleased? Do you think I'll end up involved in nation-state conflict resolution? You would say yes, I know - and be scared that I'd be away from home too much.
- Andrew, Michael, Jenny, and Gerald's whole home group for not only ongoing support, rostered caring shifts, help with meals but the wonderful spearheading of the funeral organisation by Michael
- St Cuthberts Parents and Friends: for meals and baking for what probably ended up at least 10 weeks, I lost count to avoid feeling further embarrassed, and learnt to accept yet another "present" that tipped the balance in favour of coping.
- Mum. She knows.
- heck, can I continue this list another time?

I hope some West Coast miner's wife has a moment of joy about her emerging new life today, amidst the disbelief and bewilderment.

L

Crap and less than good stuff

We've been having both of these.

Abject misery some days.
Just about managing others.
Really good moments also, again, the last couple of days, just when I thought good times were gone for good ...

And then the miners, and so much loss, despair, pain, levelling, anger, pressure and failed hopes.

For us, for me, it was all so almost-OK and kind-of-manageable with so much help and support despite everything for so long that, I guess, something was going to get pretty yucky sometime.

Which was great, because at the first sign of unravelling, my children pack me off out of the house.
(I wish :-)).
But I am going to Sydney for a couple of days in about 10.

Yay.
Start the destress, a few days out of each others' hair, a non-re-adjusting few days.
Re-adjustment is for the birds, overrated.

Oh - and I only have 17 more words to prune out of my essay to get down to the word limit + some citations to sort out (no hope) + printing and backing sheeting (which I usually do wrong) ... with a whole 20 hours to go.

Oh - and I had coffee with my friend Christie today. Who doesn't think she knows any better, is sure of any answers, or needs to fix all of my, her, or anyone else's varied issues.

'sgood.

L

A rose or two

A friend gave me / us a rose for a wedding present. It was ruby red and fragrant, and this year it appeared to have died. But before I threw out the roots to repurpose the pot, new growth sprung up in the weeks before Gerald left.
The new growth still looks healthy. I need to prune away some of the dead wood.

A friend gave me a rose for a bereavement present. It is deep, vibrant yellow and fragrant, and still sitting in its earth and polythene in a likely planting place behind the pool.
I nearly gave it back, because of its name.
"Serendipity" seemed either harsh or overly hopeful in the aftermath of grief and extremity.
I didn't.

I won't.
I'd like to cultivate a natural gift for making pleasant, valuable, or useful discoveries by accident.

Maybe less world-changing than Alexander Fleming's return from a vacation to find penicillin molds had killed bacteria where he had neglected to disinfect.
Lois-changing would be far-reaching and ambitious enough.

Someone who has a habit of finding things by serendipity is a serendipper, while a person who acknowledges, believes, and hopes in serendipity is a serendipitist.
It's true, I read it on the internet :-)

L the S

If you were to write a novel ...

... what would it be about?

The person who asked me this question yesterday had in mind, I think, what country, what setting, context, plot, what would happen in terms of physical sequence of events.

(Though I haven't asked him, so here I am breaking my own rule of never (rarely) assume ... :-))

My mind played about with the idea when half-awake this morning.
I'd write about learning as you go, and courage.
Courage - the power to let go of the familiar.
Courage - the willingness to take up the unfamiliar.

So - half-awake?
Yep. 2 nights sleep in a row.
Now, of course, I'm terrified.
Maybe I'll become a lethargic person who mostly can't be bothered, whose world revolves around as much time as possible in relaxing oblivion.

' suppose that's not so likely.
Scary, though - even such a little change.
I think I secretly prefer being pushed to extremes.

Not so secretly, then.

This blog program is annoying in its lack of emoticons.
I must get better at tone * 100 lines.

L

Do not stand at my grave and cry

"I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight."

The flocked birds have energy, and, it seems, decisiveness. No hesitancy.

Sleep.
The second night since who knows when, last night.
Good things coming in due season.
The scent on the wind has changed.
Yesterday. Thursday, 18th November, 2010.


L

And we have not

A whole week since the funeral.

The funeral was "good" in all its imperfect joyousness ... a fitting tribute and remembrance to a man who had already left us.

And now the letting go.
And the embracing of new things and people and configurations of life.

None of it feels quite right - why is that?

20 months centred on Gerald.
How do we re-locate a centre - as individuals, as a family?

Where is the comfort for Alex? for Sophie?
I guess we will flail about for a bit.
Are we responsible for the comforters?

Not a whole heap of good ideas; I expect they will come soon.
Do we all need space? And a very few, very forgiving, close friends?

Surely there must be creative leaps through the process?
Less forced march, and more moments where the energy of new creation (fission and fusion) overtakes the loss, are what I had in mind ...

L

Gerald has died

I'm not sure about the menagerie

I haven't tasted either of them.
No thankyou.
Is there a chicken on the table?
Which table?
The dining room table.
A live chicken or a dead chicken?
A live one.
I don't think so.
Let's see how he goes today.
Do you think he'll be OK?
Yeah.
Who is the criminal in Indonesia? You got the email, didn't you?
No, did you get it?
Yeah.
Do you remember when Alexander was born?
Do you remember when Sophie was born?
(thumbs up sign)
Why?
That's odd, for Johnny!
It was less than four hours.
What was less than four hours?
Flying to Tahiti.
Have you been to Tahiti?
Yes (oh, not true!).
That was my question.
Woops! dropped the antenna!

As often, I have managed to cause a little confusion about the confusion :-)
The joyful randomnesses (when they aren't a little frightening for Gerald) started before the increase in morphine, and aren't (just) a result of the medication.
General end-of-life confusion and sometimes agitation, as well as the uraemia accompanying kidney failure are likely causes.

Whatever ... decreasing lucidity has been noticeable in stages since Thursday morning (it's Saturday morning now, for those in upside-down parts of the planet).
Confusion is less interspersed with awareness now.
Situation is: distinct change during the night (just 1 vomiting session) and increasing change this morning.
I sometimes need to explain which is the glass of water and which is the tub for spitting into once the mouth is refreshed.

I never planned these last times. Too much of a remove from the driving, striving life.
And they are fun.
And very intimate.
Gerald and I are laughing together a lot - the eyebrows are the most expressive facial feature by far.
I just said to him, who would have thought you would be so much fun.
He pointed to himself (me, I would).
More laughing. Well, Gerald can't do the laughing, but can still smile sometimes, and there's the eyebrow thing.

What a difference a day makes ... that might just have been the first line of the very first post written when I set this blog up for Gerald, bullied into it by the ever-agressive Marc Fountain.
:-D

L

What is this?

Another day passed.

Tripled morphine in pump, to help with overall comfort and ease agitation.

Bright-eyed this afternoon, reading a magazine (stunning) - is this the fabled last burst of energy?
I think maybe the second to last.

He asked me to stay with him when I settled him for the night last night (it's 1:30 am or so now). So I have.
In Annelies' old chair, done proud, fairly dead but having a great and worthy last innings.

Randomnesses started in earnest this morning (we've had them before, but less consistently).

"It was Right Said Fred."
"I think I got confused."
"Black Box, Mike and Jenny" (this one turned out sensible - Mike and Jenny have our set of Black Books. Do you? It's a worry :-)).
"Do I need help to get up?"
"Barry's just leaving."
"Are they?"
"You said, the bad ones have come out bad?"
"Pointing (at nothing): "Arrows".
"Welcome. You are welcome."
"I left my book somewhere. The extra book."

and, best of all -
"Why did I have to put on a skirt?"

As I said to Richard by email (from memory), it's all so like the kind of wordplay we indulge in anyway - left fielders with hidden connections - that there is nothing frightening or even unfamiliar about it.

Along the same lines as Alex's comment this evening to my musing on how much Sophie did or didn't want me to go shopping with her for Sarah's present (would require a Gerald-sitter for an hour or so): whether she minded one way or the other.
Alex said, "Cloudy".

Get it, then (neither did I, at first)?
With a chance of a martini. Meatballs over-rated.

And another Read-ism (only he can attest that this is not a non-sequitur): Gerald is From a Planet.
At 24 we understood that pseudo-normals such as ourselves were from earth; but Gerald was different - he was From a Planet. Untethered.
Now at 48 this seems a little too prescient.

But that, of course, is the 20-20 of hindsight, always able to see hidden not-really meanings.

One of the middle of (this) night's murmurings to finish us for now:

"7 + 7 + 8 8."
I thought this was a randomness, too - till 20 minutes later it was followed by
"Short rhythm pattern."

It takes putting the two together, and once I had, I checked it out with Gerald -
"Did you mean 7+7+8/8 was the short rhythm pattiern?"
"Yes".

So, in Rob-Boasman-speak (as endorsed by Wikipedia, look it up), this would be
Gi-na-Lo-lo-brig-i-da
Gi-na-Lo-lo-brig-i-da
Gi-na-Lo-lo-brig-i-da's-cool

No real sleep for either of us yet.
What is this?

L

Tireless

The man is tireless.

Only a little news.
Not a good night.
Niggles, wakefulness, dis-ease, tense belly, just usual stuff but more of it again.
And that's just me ...
No, kidding, kind of.

Extra morphine injection today to excellent effect.
More of these as required from now.
We are still on a very low daily dose through the syringe driver.

The troops keep marching.

Need a low key evening, not too sick, no other people, just us 4, plenty of back medecine, a comfort puddle to wallow in for a moment.

Temporary metamorphosis (hippo), then.
Zippo.

I'm getting a funny mixture of jolts of encouragement, way off the board wrong assumptions, and laughs with old friends.

Sounds about right, then.

What's with the thens, then?

L

Sung hero

My mother seems made for times like this.

My mum and I don’t get on. Not really.
I am a puzzle, an enigma, or perhaps plain old confusing
(and not just to my Mum, neither :-)).

[offstage feedback from My Mum:
... this is horrifying, mortifying, awful, and could not be true.

And from me:
... not all will find it so, and this particular truth is important and half won't do.
Relationship perfection is not required for wonder and magic to happen for me because of you.

Now back with the programme ...]

But at the core, I would aspire to the qualities she exhibits during these days.
Unsparing of herself, serious but with lightness, non-intrusive, freely serving with joy.
A little worried, perhaps, but mostly at ease in a role of making the pathway simpler and clearer for others.

Her own (currently in remission) leukemia and the physical limitations of being 71 remain relevant but impose little on her purpose.
Her own widowhood drives her caring to a level beyond.

black / white
weaknesses / strengths
yin / yang
limitations / creative boundaries
fears / catalysts for change
fallow times / invisible and deepest changes

L

Where (to)?

I feel shocked. In a good way.
Stopped, still, reflective, tired, in usual amount of pain, almost static, almost only looking after the emotional needs of the three and physical needs of G.

Gerald looks shinier and happier each day, with no visible deterioration.
Despite no intake of anything but a little flavour from sucking (then spitting out) several tiny cubes of delicious frozen fruit a day.
Less vomiting today. Nice.
Much more interaction with face and eyes than for a long while - especially with the children and me.

VERY HOT TIP: (for those unable to eat / drink)
Cube any kind of fruit you want to try; freeze in 1 layer, and offer as a selection along with tissues and a spit bowl. The momentary burst of flavour will be marvellous.
Successes: banana, strawberries, green seedless grapes, papaya.
Failures: pineapple, kiwifruit (some odd chemical aftertaste in both of those - related to their meat-tenderising properties?)

On and through.
Watch for the corners (they can appear when you least expect them, you can't see round them, and when you get there and make the turn, the surprise is as likely relaxing, encouraging, or exciting, as not).

L

Katchafire. Seriously.

The golden mornings.
The hints of change.
The return of the laughing.

Blackness to replace bleakness.
Black humour seems a little like a tough, impervious, surface - one can throw things at it and have them bounce back at odd, interesting, creative angles.
G&L at their best, really.

Sophie's St Matthew Passion on Thursday night in the town hall (with help from Ray Goodman conducting, the Auckland Philharmonia, the Aukland University Chamber Choir and the Black Watch singers) was very beautiful. If over-romanticised, I was glad that it was. In Sophie's second performance in the town hall with the St Cuths' singers, we couldn't hear her individually (apparently that is a good thing).

Alex has sat 2 more exams - IT theory (happy), and English literature (unhappy). He is very tall, especially when he shuts me in the kitchen cupboard (don't worry).

I woke up this morning with the 3rd serious rewrite of the (very) few words I might say at the funeral in my head. A small, fiery thing of gratitude and energy. If I think I can speak without becoming a fountainous performance I will, otherwise not.

Been getting in touch with people about the funeral. If I should have contacted you and haven't would you? The files in my brain have lost their texture, become see through and without substance, I think temporarily: right brain is still active but left-brained, consecutive, sensible stuff is tricky.

As ever: I MISS MY P.A.! (including the one who laughed at me everytime I attempted to to go out the main doors and had to try a few times because the push-pull choice worked counter-intuitively to my distracted brain).

So, getting off topic.

Please call if you want to visit, 10 minutes, I'm asking people to make a time and keep to it to avoid awkwardness (e.g. family member has arrived and needs time). I hope that's OK with you all. Obviously there are exceptions to this guideline and you know who you are!

It's Saturday, so I have a request for playing with a waterblaster on our driveway (Andrew and Alex, using Tim's toy) which I have allowed due to the useful side effect (a cleaned driveway).

L

Plus ca change, ...

... plus ca meme chose.

Right back to the simple things.

With (apparently) some sixth sense of what would happen, I have been finding myself more focused on sharing Gerald's trip (aren't we all sick of saying journey? - and trip suits the man) the last several days.

To the point where nothing else fits in my head, and higher cognitive functions have - well - gone.
And at the same time, Gerald has been cutting down fluid intake, unable to absorb it, whilst vomiting far more than he takes in.

Intake is now zero, though there are ways of keeping his mouth moist.
Weaker.
Happier, too, it seems.

I won't be going anywhere for the duration (days), I expect.

Alex is still managing with his exams for which he deserves much kudos. Sophie's are coming up. We'll take that as it comes.

And some really nice news (for me) - at family meeting last night both Sophie and Alex affirmed they were happy for Gerald to die at home if symptoms make that possible.
We all smiled and laughed as we talked about Gerald's going, awkward with the oddness of the conversation, but mutually supportive anyhow.
I'm so glad.

L

Only good news

After my first exam tomorrow - for which I have received the instructions as to what to do if my general ceasing of brain function (full force since last Monday) stays the same or worsens in the exam - I want to take over the responsibility and privilege of caring for Gerald.

I'm so glad about that.

With more thanks than I know how to express to Andrew for the last 3 1/2 weeks - even down to filling in himself when no-one was available so that I could carry on cramming in some information. Ever want an important, urgent, short-term job done - Andrew must be a candidate.

And Marlene is coming on Saturday to let me get to the library for one last day -
And Mum is making it all possible by continuing to come in the mornings - quite amazingly tirelessly -
And nevertheless, it is time for it to be mostly us 3 now.

Which doesn't preclude close people from coming to visit a little, when you want or need to,'course.
And I will organise or ask for the extra help I am, I suppose, bound to need.
I still have 2 more exams and an essay, not there yet, but there are other, most important concerns.

The children.
Our family unit.
Myself.

Thanks for your expressions of support, occasionally coming with lightness and lovely timing.

L

Failure

Some are obvious.
Some are hidden.
Some I try to hide.
Failures, that is.

Failures force new direction.
Renewing of resources.
Moments for consideration.
Ideas born of hope or desperation.

Everyone breaks.
Everyone.
Catch at the fracture stage, splint, and rest awhile.
Press on when it's a little safer.

In an emergency, press on anyway.

Gerald carries on fading, but there are more slight smiles now.
Hopes that he may be able to wish me well before he goes ...

It feels good to share his pain.
Physical and mental and emotional and spiritual.
And it can be crushing, though, I think, not beyond repair.

Time. For Everything. Fragility. Of Everyone.

L

Too much love of living?

From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives for ever ;
That dead men rise up never ;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.

Then star nor sun shall waken,
Nor any change of light :
Nor sound of waters shaken,
Nor any sound or sight :
Nor wintry leaves nor vernal,
Nor days nor things diurnal ;
Only the sleep eternal
In an eternal night.


(the closing lines of)
The Garden of Proserpine- Algernon Charles Swinburne
Sophie's "most beautiful poem ever written".

Gerald is fine, thin and beautiful.

L

Small Gnus

Apologies to those who have been disappointed not to have more detail on the main event ...

I have not felt too much like posting excruciating detail of slow deterioration.

But to override that:

Gerald is getting thinner.
Much thinner.
His wedding ring dangles.

Excepted for his burdened belly.
Which worries him off and on.
He vomits bile 2 * per day approx.
The syringe driver and subcutaneous topups are working well; oral meds are no longer tolerated.
He is into his 4th week of no eating at all.
He still drinks water.
This feels very deja vu but I'm a little too tired to go and check whether I'm repeating myself here ...
Gerald's days vary between alert days where he speaks with us, and other days when he is not very able.

The hospice nurse comes daily during the week.
Our family Dr weekly.
Vivek the shower man 3 times a week.

Estimates vary. The "days to weeks" continues due to youth and previous good health.

Feel free to ask for what I've unintentionally omitted, as you do :-) - I'm glad it matters.

Netta brought beatiful orange, red and green flowers tonight for Gerald to see when he wakes in the morning.

Kerry has talked soccer and drama and music (Liverpool's star will rise again) 2 afternoons in a row.
Alex got to play squash and have a driving lesson.
Sophie is reserve in her school speech finals. Topic: An Interesting Person.
Also Sophie is singing with her school chorale in St Matthew's Passion next Thursday night in the Town Hall.
Alex is in full flow exam mode. With a re-negotiated out-of-bed time.
Getting a bit random here.
Good night.

L

No Gnus

The horizon is clear.
We're safe.

From what?

How come I've become a general manager in my own home?
Needs must.

What if ... people stopped helping?
... Gerald hadn't gotten sick with an "incurable" cancer?
... I hadn't been able to have any children?
... I couldn't cook?
... The sun went dark and cold?
... I hadn't been made redundant three times?
... My back never improves?
... There is a world shortage of Blue Sapphire?
... I had had a chance to experience in actuality rather than only by temperament and style, the loneliness of the long-distance runner?

Since I last wrote, Gerald has got thinner and tireder and weaker, with little other discernable change.
He is now a lovely shadow of a lovely man.

Over to Kingsley A, for a comment on the necessity of having a refrigerator to oneself:
"Wives and such are constantly filling up any refrigerator they have a claim on, even its ice compartment, with irrelevant rubbish like food."

(Just shows his limited experience.)

L

Bin good

Bin laden with good things.

Good to have Gerald at home.
Good to find Alex and Sophie getting comfortable with this.
Good to have Gerald smiling again (at moments).
Good to have an all-dancing hospital bed, more comfy and handy for both Gerald and nurses.

Less good -
- barely being able to manage being away from the house - but this feeling is dissipating.
- having home become a hospital - nurses galore, visitors and all.

The roster is looking good for this week, with a few extra offers as fallback.
It's humbling, yet again, to accept help.

I'm still heading towards my remaining 3 exams ponderously, with little dexterity of mind, and halting, fleeing moments of incisive thought. Pulling things together is kind of beyond me. So I take comfort in the fact that I'm learning the concepts, at least - this year's exams will not define me.

Wondering how Alex and Sophie are going to managing in their exams?
And whether Andy and Mum, bearing the brunt of the caring, will burnt out before the sun goes down?

Gerald is shrinking, going through a process, sad, resigned, sometimes vomiting (which he hates), peaceful, quiet, sleeping a great deal, on his third week of not eating (occasional tsp of apple sauce, perhaps, aside). He has a subcutaneous feed for extra meds, a syringe driver, and the alternatives of pills, liquids, and subcut top-up meds. All working so far.

It is good we are all sharing my husband's, my children's father's, Gerald's sisters' brother's decline, not missing much.

Each day. Seems to count.

L

Migrating birds ,,,

... silhouetted against the sky in the fading evening light.

One of my favourite times of day, always beautiful, and somehow hopeful despite being an ending.
Unless it's cloudy.

Gerald has been home since Monday.
It's hard to leave the house now.
I guess I'll get over that.

If you want a last visit, those who have stayed close, these are your days and weeks.

We have a roster for caring; the 12-4 slot is one to volunteer for if in addition you would like to help and are confident with medication and emergencies should they occur.
lvw@ihug.co.nz quick email or 021 606 115.

Thankyou my children / young adults.
Travel well.

L

I will think of you

I thought of you and how you love this beauty,
And walking up the long beach all alone
I heard the waves breaking in measured thunder
As you and I once heard their monotone.

Around me were the echoing dunes, beyond me
The cold and sparkling silver of the sea --
We two will pass through death and ages lengthen
Before you hear that sound again with me.

Sarah Teasdale

L

I never think of the future

... it comes soon enough. (Einstein)

Homer's scream echoed well round the 'burbs and city of Auckland, at least ...

Emotion, being, interaction - all briefly back tonight :-)

L

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Mary E Frye

Gerald has been low, sad, feeling useless. No! Not now!
Friday maybe home, maybe not.

Sometimes tummy hurting, sometimes not.
Not usually in great pain, but often uncomfortable.
The swelling in his gut has gone down a lot.

How? to help?
To confront, or to take what is on offer as what is possible?
To face the last chances so starkly - how to cross the pain barrier?




L

I doubted if I should ever come back

... knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost
(excerpt, The Road not Taken)

Someone came to trim trees in our driveway yesterday.
As organised by another Someone.
Someone else dropped of 3 meals, and 2 lots of baking.
2 other Someones got rid of some rubbish from our garage.

Throughout, there have always been Someones.
Some are Ones for a season, and the turnover is good, because recovery is necessary.

Will we run out of Someones?
Maybe not. There is a different phase setting in - a change in the terrain, a catching of breath and a re-commitment, before a final surge to this particular finishing line.

School holidays.

L

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

Theodore Roethke

The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

- Yeats

There is more to this poem, but this (the start) is what I love.
The words are much denser and harsher and more brilliant than in the rest of the poem.

This is the 2nd of the poems I gave Gerald to set.

The Doctor suggests Gerald comes home Friday.
Nurse(s?) is not sure about that.
Doctors say goes.
Gerald is getting the hard word about moving more.
And it is upsetting him.
And that is upsetting me.

Over the road to the pub in the wheelchair?
If you had 30 days (or so) ...?

L

I take a simple view

... of living - keep your eyes open and get on with it. (Laurence Olivier)

I seem to have confused people with a comment around law school, sorry -

So, to clarify, it's like this:
I'm in the process of dropping 1 of the 4 papers.
If I can carry on with the other 3 and pass them somehow, any old how, I will not lose the year.
If I can only do 2 papers the situation is quite different.
I have 3 weeks max to make up my mind about these remaining 3 papers.
Exams start in 4 weeks + 5 days.
The aim would be to compensate for the inevitable poor results by truly excellent results in the following years.

K?

Fact is, I love what I am doing. Academia wouldn't be for me, I need to Make Something Happen, but I love learning this new discipline (that could change!).

Always I've needed to tone down my awareness of complexity, feel for different perspectives, and tendency to argue. Suddenly these are strengths!

Added to which, I really enjoy using language with precision, humour and creativity, and love considering that nexus between logic and behaviour that results in us people Doing what we Do.
Law seems to be all about people and their stories (What Goes Wrong and Why), applying, in varying proportions, a set of rules for the sake of certainty, and substantive considerations to correct power imbalances.

Gerald has a parotid gland infection (like mumps) that he's not excited about ... due to lack of fluid probably. Antibiotic and fluid drip will hopefully do the trick.

Some days he is a little brighter than others, still mostly sleeping and eyes shut, a little more wakeful toward evening.
Perhaps improving in spirits overall? I think?

Daylight saving starts, dark cold mornings with the promise of the still cicada'd afternoons of summer to come ...

L

What's not to like?

Oh, and -
Thanks Mum - poor health + an inexplicable child or few yet still helping all the time
Thanks Fred - awareness of the illusory character of adulthood
Thanks Patricia - on behalf of the ducklings
Thanks Adele - free-spirited, conscientious, life-loving and persistent
(this is loads of fun ....!)

Next Monday we will re-assess the situation - if Gerald has stayed the same he may come home.
If so he will need someone with him round the clock.

I've been asked to put my thinking cap on in case we should need to achieve this ...
But right now, not thinking, going to have a rest.

L

World without end

Time to publish 6 poems. Some of "my" poems I asked Gerald to set for me.
I think extracts might be best - the first one from Eunice Tietjens, climber.

---

But I shall go down from this airy place, this swift white peace,
this stinging exultation.
And time will close about me, and my soul stir to the rhythm
of the daily round.
Yet, having known, life will not press so close, and always I shall feel time
ravel thin about me;
For once I stood
In the white windy presence of eternity.

- Eunice Tietjens

---

Thanks Dierdre - thoughtful and self-sacrificing
Thanks Richard - conversation
Thanks other Richard - opportunistic practical offer
Thanks Joke - knowing without being told
Thanks Carla - carrying on confidently
Thanks Plonie - bearing the burden of being local
Thanks Rachael - trying to run, gives me hope
Thanks Christie -

A random list, I guess there will be more.

L

Downdate

Ongoing difficulties.

The idea of moving to oral meds discarded for now at least. Pain intermittent. Lethargy and withdrawal constant. Positive interaction sporadic but definite, moments of light briefly flashing onto the on the narrow, vertiginous path.

Alex and Sophie have been able to be wonderfully supportive of Dad - we're all getting more used to Very Sick Gerald.

Sophie's piano exam was yesterday - she courageously got to her exam and sat it, despite everything. Great relief - it's done! And end of term for Sophie yesterday. Alex next week.

The Great Storm has so far left us and ours undamaged ... not all have been so blest.

I am doing some admin with the University to change things to avoid complicating the situation by collapse :-)
I have had some very good support, though officially no promises.
I've given up the idea of finishing a full second year of law this year; infinite capacity is an attribute I don't have.

Many things and people are lovely. Encouragement is always a good thing.

Richard, I liked your note, twin-edged as ever ... Loisian being a descriptor neither positive or negative in itself. Really very very nice to hear from you.

L

Strategy and tactics

Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat ...

Strategy: know everyone can't be pleased, so find my own direction
(be myself, everyone else is already taken).
Tactic: look after people in their important moments.
Tactic: take frighteningly bold steps some of the time.
Tactic: listen out for ideas from everywhere.
ah, well ...

Gerald will be re-assessed on Monday for possible home-time.
He has not had stability with his bowel yet; every day different, ranging from relatively still and a little sudoku and chat, to - worst day - mostly comatose.

We three are wrung out, strung out, sometimes grieved out, and glad there is some sleep each night.
Our times will come again.

L

PS Lionel Shriver's latest, "So Much for That", which came through from the library 3 weeks ago, has been my read-a-page book since then.
For those who don't know, it is the stunningly straightforward and exquisitely recognisable account of a situation similar to ours (a novel).
Reading it right now is the intellectual and emotional equivalent of picking at an open wound - fascinating, irresistible, and mildly stupid as activities go.

Interesting

... that is, there are all sorts of discoveries I'm making. Rarely (though not never) have I lived so very fully -
- each moment spoken for many times over
- a great variety of challenges (pressures)
- inputs from all directions
- conflicting priorities which make any decision a good decision (just pick a perspective to match, it's easy).

So far, so good.

Gerald will be assessed for perhaps returning home, after the weekend.
He is on a constant high dose of morphine now (subcutaneous), as well as all the other stuff (why list them?).

He seems low, with sporadic roars into life, funny crazy, still entertaining ...
I want to make it good.
I don't know whether I don't know how, or nobody knows how, or nobody could know how (contractual right to be glad for life frustrated by impossibility at present?).

Kids ...
Sophie has "new" room.
Pale blue.
Given budget, chosen colours and furniture, done painting, ably assisted by Andrew.
:-)

Alex's turn next.

L

I don't want to make the wrong mistake

Do you?

After a very ill few days, Gerald has made some improvement again last night.

Had a big chat with the Doctor yesterday; things could go 1 of 3 ways:
1. improve for a bit (with maybe more rounds of the process to go)
2. stay about the same
3. get worse now

Looks like number 1 or number 2 at this stage.

Apologies for brevity borne of at-capacity-ness.
Keep moving.

L

Longing for release

Damn straight

More pains.

Father's day.

We have a new classy, navy and black, symbolic, shirt.

I'll take it in at lunchtime.

And a piece of chocolate.

And yoghurt.

Cos Gerald can have a little stuff that is liquidish or melts.

Traffic is not gridlocked - yay! (motorway closure).

Alex distinguished himself winning 2 games of Megazone last night. How did he get so good at shooting people in the dark? You work it out ...

L

Life: a dodgy product?

Go on, laugh - you can do it!

L

And if you've got to sleep ...

... a moment on the road, I will steer for you. (Cohen)

I've just come back from taking Gerald back into the hospice, where they will try to treat the bowel and get it working again, or maybe not this time, or ...

Dr Richard talked us through some scenarios to maintain maximum quality of experience if and when the bowel stops working, which he expected it might - though probably not yet.

We had been trying to avoid going back to the hospice, but I loved seeing Gerald relax when he got there ... much emotional relief at that.

Back to my children. Who don't know about the hospice trip yet.

Alex just done his last exam for this set, the last pre-Cambridge exam mocks.
Sophie's recent haiku:

people cut me out
but somehow there ain't no gap
in the paper chain

Feeling life's edgy, uncertain, but real joys - gritty but halfway reassuring: that's my girl.

News posted here as it breaks (our hearts)

L

update for Tuesday

Back on the blog again.
Nurse and doctor visited.
Confirmed present pain more likely to be peritoneal than bowel.
Therefore treat with extra dose of morphine.
Recurrence of BMs would appear to confirm this.

Have just finished reading Scott's final Antartic journals - an encouragement to be brave and strong till the end.
Coralie - yes, the Russian novel would be good at this time!
Currently reading "We are all made of glue" - poignant, funny novel set in North London.

Nurse Jane asked me to remind people that bowel movements are NOT directly related to what we eat - a lot of the bowel movement is related to other stuff that builds up in the bowel.
By the same token, beware of fibrous material!
Hear endeth the lesson...

Trendlines

As confidence doesn't come from always being right (rather more from not fearing to be wrong) - here's my prediction:

Gerald will get a little better again than he is right now, though the general trend will be for him to get quieter and slower.

He has been less well since Saturday evening (in bed since then); he is not urgently sick, though in some extra pain.

All is well overall.

The ups and downs are hard on my lovely children, who are being brave, but ...

Have good days

L

Jam Cancelled...Apologies

Hi, everyone.
I have decided to cancel tomorrow's scheduled Jam, as I am not feeling too well.
I have taken a bit of extra morphine and am heading to bed - not nausea so much as tiredness and a bit of extra pain in the tummy area.
Sorry for the inconvenience - hope to be back into it ASAP!

Love,Gerald.

G

26810 digested

A very pleasant morning over at Mangere Bridge.
Met Maree H, and went to Ambury Farm Park.
We watched the lambs being fed by a cohort of Primary School kids.
Not sure which group offered the greater entertainment!
The lambs are decidedly cute however.

Afternoon over to Andrew's to watch final Connery-Bond movie (Diamonds Are Forever).
Tomorrow we begin the Roger Moore canon...

Have been feeling dizzy/lightheaded and yet at times strangely lucid.
Difficult to get a handle on things.

Invited to talk to church on Sunday 5 Sep...Peter Grierson also.
This will be 10am and 6pm services, and will involve me talking about my faith in the light of my current "adversity".
Come along!

Many thanks to Coralie Macrob, who is bringing me her copy of Anna Karenina as pleaded for recently...I am currently working my way thru Scott's final Antarctic Expedition...

And don't forget the Jam THIS coming Sunday 3pm to 5pm - ALL welcome - PLEASE do NOT feel you HAVE to be a cosmic musical genius - we will explore music together!
Off to bed now, hopefully will return with more energy tomorrow.

G.

"The Suburbs" CD Review

The Arcade Fire, 2010.

I waited a long time for this album!
Loved Funeral (first album) and then the epic Neon Bible (second) and waited and wondered how they could possibly follow those 2 glorious albums.
"The Suburbs" is the obvious answer!
Aurally, it's a bit like thesis/Funeral, antithesis/Neon Bible and now synthesis/Suburbs.
The sound is big and boomy, a la Neon Bible, with a sense that we're going on an adventure.
The lyrics and themes are small-town on the surface, a la Funeral.

The songs are all about suburban life, and that encompasses a whole lot - the visual images conjured involve cars, streets, houses, emptiness...it's a bit like we're stuck in a sub-Springsteen world - whereas Bruce was busting to split the scene, Arcade Fire are exploring the suburbs in all their Gothic Glory - the songs are by turn touching, humorous and scary (Bruce's Darkness On the Edge of Town DOES cover similar territory, although with more characters).

The music is sublime - on one level they could be singing about anything, and the music will just float away with us on its tide - but do beware the lyrics.
City With No Children In is a current fave, but every time I listen something new jumps out at me.
In some way, the atmosphere, I am reminded of those dystopian Bowie albums - just not so sci-fi...

This album is a "grower"...appeal perhaps not as immediate as Neon Bible, but gives its treasures away slowly...

10/10.

Mahler Symphony No.8 CD Review

Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra, cond. Bernard Haitink.

Also known as "Symphony of a Thousand".

Is it possible to have too much Mahler in one's life?

This piece was written at a time where length was to be admired.

I sometimes think of Mahler as a guy who took hold of Beethoven's 9th symphony, and kept developing the blueprint.

His Symphony No. 8 certainly stretches the boundaries of what one might call a symphony.

A huge chorus, 8 soloists, etc. etc.

2 BIG movements, the first a hymn (Veni, Creator Spiritus) and the second the final scene from "Faust II" - ummm, so where, Gustav, is the symphony, honey?

Don't get me wrong - Mahler is a genius, particularly in terms of orchestration - in fact, in this area alone is there enough justification for this anomalous work which claims to be a symphony.

And Symphony No. 9 is sublime...

And if you are a Mahler do-or-die fan, this recording would be a hard one to beat - terrific clarity.

BUT, if you are new to late 20th century Viennese culture, start with Symphony No.1 - MUCH more straightforward (catchy tunes, too).

5/10 for the work, 9/10 for the interpretation.

Andrew

Andrew Clasby and I have known each other since the vWs arrived back in NZ at the end of 1998, with a few breaks in between.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, he unhesitatingly stepped in and offered his support in whatever way I might need it or want it.

His "time" has been flexi, but he has always prioritised my needs and has in fact turned down work at times in order to "be there" for me.

The last year and a half especially have been a major test/proof of his deep friendship/loyalty/support, as we have transformed the experience of chemotherapy into something highly enjoyable and virtually an art form.

And then, when finally chemo was laid to rest and the hospitalisation process kicked in, he was still there...transport, meals (the legendary lasagne!), shopping, companionship, presence.

Never once has he complained.

Never once has he talked about the drag of spending time.

Never.

And he has always laced our times together with a gentle through to raucously irreverent humour - and we have talked directly about death/God/pain/personal stuff without too many tears.

I really don't know what I would have done in the last time of illness without KNOWING he was there for me...

Andrew, you are a deeply special friend, who has shown your faith, hope and love through your walk with me.

Thank you!

Enough words - let us continue to enjoy the time remaining, and the existence beyond that!

G.

Twelve CD Review

Patti Smith, 2007.

Patti Smith was the female herald of punk/new wave.
Wiry, breastless, agressive and challenging.
Her music conveyed her rebellion.
The first song I heard of hers was her version of Bruce Springsteen's "Because the Night".
It sounded like a female version of something from Darkness on the Edge of Town, so I bought the album (Easter).
Much more palatable than previous and perhaps subsequent recordings.

This album, 12, is not going to rate high on the rebellion/offensive stakes - you could probably buy it for your grandmother and give it to her for Christmas.

It has strings, clarinet, accordion, and Patti sings rather than shouts.

It is a collection of 12 sngs that have influenced, inspired or intrigued Smith over her career so far, and what a wonderfully eclectic collection it is!

Hard to pick faves, but ones I personally find myself repeatedly delighting in are "Within You Without You" (George Harrison), Changing of the Guards (Bob Dylan) and Smells Like Teen Spirit (Nirvana).

I particularly like the last because FINALLY you can hear ALL the words.

Smith performs with intensity and respect, and the instrumentations work perfectly.

10/10

"What is the Wind Saying Today?" (poem)

This is a poem by my very good friend Ruth Dormandy.
She wrote it last year, after I had taken her and Richard out to Piha (they live in London).

Strong wind,
Blowing me along wherever it chooses,
Carrying me on its ebbs and flows.

Low wind,
Whooshing up the sand,
In swirls and patterns,
Stinging my cheeks,
Tasting salty,
Gritty between my teeth.

Cold wind from the Antarctic,
Cruel with pain,
Gnawing into my bones.

Unpredictable wind,
Coming and going without a "by your leave",
Reminding me my life is not my own,
That I am part of the Great Wind.

Sudden wind,
Crashing uninvited into time and place,
Leaving chaos and fragments of feelings.

Noisy wind,
Hard to ignore your presence,
Accutely aware of your impact on fragile lives.

Soaring wind,
Taking me up in a spirit dance,
Like a kite cut loose from its anchor,
Free to rise like an eagle.

Drifting wind,
Bringing echos and aromas,
From around the world, to inspire and delight.

Whirlwind,
Casting me round and round,
In a groove, spinning out of control.

Cool, light breeze,
Softening the sun's rays,
Bringing relief in the heat of the day,
And taking me home.

Ruth Dormandy, 8.6.09

25810 please

energy.
purpose.
comfort.
hope.
rest.

25810 thanks

for time to share.
for the joy of playing music.
for people around me with faith.
for honest people.
for sleep.

24810 digested

Up at 8 - early!
Leisurely brekkie.

Marlene and Esther arrive at 9.30am.
We chat, then head off to Ponsonby at 10.

AironaGstring perform an incredible selection of 70s pop, showstoppers, and mafioso melodies...
the usual drinks and nibbles, and much to my horror Maria absconds with my red winegum!
That I'd been saving for last!!
...she more than made it up to me tho, even getting hold of a replacement winegum from somewhere.

Marlene and I head home, stopping off to try a Rocky Road Memphis Meltdown (highly recommended, especially if you like marshmallow), and devour them at Taylor's Bay.

Visit from Rosemary T, Malcolm M and Maria Dj, from school.
News from Paid Union Meeting is that there will be a strike day - I book myself in for the march (health permitting) and also to play at the opening of Rosemary's Exhibition on 2 Oct (once again, usual provisos).

Andrew comes, prepares our meal (nachos - yum!), and departs.

Lois returns after a full day of study, we settle down to Madmen, and now I bid you adieu adieu adieu.
Sleep!

Presenting..."Air on a G String"

Maria Carbines and I are pleased to announce the debut of our flute and viola duo, "Air on a G String"...air from the flautist, and strings from the viola player.

We debuted at the Mercy Hospice "Open Doors" session today at 10.30am...

We play a range of stuff, mainly well known songs from shows and movies, and pop songs...

Maria sticks to the tune, and I "float" underneath and on top in my typically waywardenberg fashion.

We do weddings, birthdays, funerals, bar-mitzvahs, cocktail parties...

Let us know if you would like some live, light music down your way some time!

And also if you have any specific requests.

Toodle-oo!

DVDs and Books

Even if I lived another 50 years, I would not have enough time to read all the books or watch all the DVDs MANY kind friends and family have passed on to me in my illness.

I am very grateful to you for bearing me in mind, and certainly giving me heaps of stuff to choose from.

However, "chances are" if you ask me "did you read...?" or "did you see...?", the answer you receive will be a sheepish "Not yet..."

I am trying to make 2 points.

1. Please don't send/give me any stuff unless I BEG you for it (I am still looking for the novel of Anna Karenina, by the way - one more good Russian novel for the road!)...

2. If you have loaned me stuff and want/need it returned, drop me a line to get it back to you...

CDs are ALWAYS welcome, as I can listen to them even if I'm not listening to them, if you follow me...

Ah well, Scott's Antarctic Diaries off the bookshelf, Mad Men on to the laptop DVD-player, and we're all set for a cosy evening...

Talofa lava,

Gerald.

The Phantom of the Opera Movie Soundtrack CD review

Andrew Lloyd Webber, 2004.

AWL bestrides the West End/Broadway of the late 20th Century (70s and beyond) "like a colossus", filling the gap left by Rodgers and Hammerstein (imagine if Bernstein and Sondheim had moved beyond West Side Story???)...

And Phantom is part of the canon that formed an unassailable body of outstanding work.

Part of the magic of Phantom is that it works incredibly well as drama/theatre/spectacle...and the tunes just keep rolling out as well (giving WAM a run for his money!).

Some AWL tunes display derivation - in Phantom this is not the case - one has the sense that it's all authentically AWL territory.

I pity AWL, as he has a LOT to live up to with his Phantom sequel (out in the West End as I speak - must read the reviews some time!)....

In the meantime, turn the lights down low and tune into the music of the Night...

10/10.

Bridge Over Troubled Water CD Review

Simon and Garfunkel, 1970.
Cat Stevens, The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel.

The title track is one of the most beautiful songs ever written.
The other songs are terrific as well.
The Boxer is a favourite of mine - I love the harmonica "stab" on the line "cut him till he cries out"...
And I love the bit right at the end of Keep the customer Satisfied where the super-high trumpet wobbles on the last note!
If you don't know or have this collection of triffic songs...what are you waiting for???

20/10

Liszt 10 Hungarian Rhapsodies CD Review

Georges Cziffra, 1975.

Hungarians are not Gypsies.
This is an exciting piano disc.
Liszt was clearly "into it" when he wrote these pieces, which take Hungarian dance styles as their starting point, and then explode into Lisztian fantasies which, as usual, end up transcending the original scenario.
Georges Cziffra is also clearly "into it" in his explosive performance.
Let it all hang out, let yourself go, and enjoy - just don't dance the flamenco to it!!

10/10.

One Trick Pony CD Review

Paul Simon, 1980.

A sleeper album - soundtrack to a Paul Simon movie (strange but true).
Underrated.
Late in the Evening sole bona fide hit.
Other songs are understatedly lovely, however.
Especially "How the Heart Approaches What it Yearns".

One for the die-hard fans?

9/10.

Korngold Violin Pieces CD Review

Joseph Lin (violin) and Benjamin Loch (piano), 2002.

Korngold!
A unique discovery!

This CD was in my mum's collection, and I snaffled it when we checked out the collection.

Korngold's style is probably what Alban Berg would have been writing if he hadn't embraced atonality and serialism...definitely a Viennese flavour, with tunes and harmonies about to burst the barriers of tonality.

One might regard the music as meandering, waffly...and indeed, there is no particular rush for the pieces to finish.

It's the sort of music one tunes into and out of, and works effectively as background music.

The playing is immaculate, silky and smooth.

8/10

Hayren CD Review

Kim Kashkashian, Tigran Mansurian, Robyn Schulkowsky, 2003.

ECM - what a cool record label!
Jan Garbarek, Tod Gustafsen, Keith Jarrett, Kim Kashkashian...

I first heard KK on Jan Garbarek's "In Praise of Dreams" and was taken with her viola playing - I in fact was mildly (ok, a great deal) envious of her...I mean, duetting with the great JG...another one of life's seeming unfairnesses (to me)....

On with the review!

Hayren is a collaboration between the 3 Armenians listed at the top of the post - Mansurian is a composer, and Schulkowsky is a percussionist.

The moods of the pieces vary hugely, from the ecstatic to the sombre and soulful...they are tonal/modal and have at least a hint of improvisation to them.

After listening to Janacek, you will have more of a handle on this stuff...definitely an album to listen to several times before reaching a verdict (if you are in the habit of reaching verdicts)...

Mansurian sometimes vocalises on some of the pieces...an unusual voice/vocal technique, not without charm, but decidedly unconventional.

9/10.

Roxy Music CD Review

Roxy Music, 1972.

Roxy Music before Brian Eno left was a little bit like...
Genesis before Peter Gabriel left.
Interesting, experimental, dangerous music.

Except that Eno was never really the front man for RM.
That was left in the tender care of Bryan Ferry.
After years of to-ing and fro-ing, I have resolved that I am not a Ferry fan.
The smooth, lounge lizard, white soul style he aspired to, and eventually coaxed RM into, doesn't appeal.

This album, RM's debut (coupled with the 2nd, For Your Pleasure, on my version) contains some of the most delightful, atmospheric and clever pop music/lyrics so far produced, let alone in the early 70s.

And they always have such nice ladies on their album covers!

If you have never explored 72's Roxy Music, get into it now and take a risk!

...And if you survive, but fancy something a little safer, try Avalon (final album).

10/10.

"The Kreutzer Sonata" CD Review

Janacek, perf. var., rel. 1999.

Another compilation.
This is on the Masters of the Millenium series.

It features Janacek's String Quartet No. 1 ("The Kreutzer Sonata"), the Sinfonietta for Orchestra and the Capriccio for Left Hand (piano) and Chamber Ensemble.
A small gripe is that there are no liner notes with this CD - so all aspiring detectives are urged to "google" the relevant information.

I can tell you what the music sounds like!

Janacek was a Czech composer, writing mainly in the early 20th century, and a "late starter", achieving popularity and acclaim in his senior years, through a series of highly charged, melodically attractive and superbly orchestrated operas, of which "Jenufa" is the most popular.

His style is neo-classical - think tonal music, think Mozart but without all the "rules" that Mozart had to follow.

He also used repetition extensively, in the sense that one short or medium-length tune would be immediately repeated before moving on to the next one.

Of his instrumental works, the Sinfonietta is perhaps the most well known. It is a hugely attractive work, full of Slavonic/Czech modalities and with exuberant passages where the brass jumps out over the strings and flies forward. Transcendent.

It actually reminds me considerably of Tubular Bells, with that repetitive feature, and in a good way - the Tubular Bells of the Neo-classical Period...

Janacek - somewhere between Dvorak and Bartok?

Well worth exploring!

9/10.

Arbour Zena CD Review

Keith Jarrett, 1976.

While I ditched my proggy vinyl and nicked my father's straight German tie in the name of Punk, I was blissfully unaware of forces out there greater than myself, moving in the music world...

I wonder what would have happened if I had come across messrs Jarrett, Garbarek and Haden in 1976?
Would I have understood or appreciated them at all?

As it happens, Garbarek would be discovered by me many years later, as he parped and soared in communion with the Hilliard Ensemble...

And this is my first Jarrett recording, BECAUSE it's in collaboration with Garbarek (one day I may try Jarrett seulement, but for now...).

It's wonderful stuff!

Jarrett, in collaboration with the aforementioned AND a string orchestra, creates new worlds, where rhythm isn't so much defined as evolved - ideas spring forth one from another, in a refreshingly organic way.

Add to this the superb musicianship of the soloists, and you're in for 50 minutes of transfixing, transcendental music.

Jazz?

This is beyond jazz...I would be fascinated to know how Jarrett worked with the orchestra on this, and also how he chose the titles of the three tracks.

Waiting for the first sax solo, I was not at all disappointed by Mr Garbarek's offerings - and likewise, I would love to know what directions, if any, were given by Mr Jarrett.

Thinking back to my possible 76 discovery of Jarrett - yes, probly would have chucked the album away or given it to a suitably distant relative.

But not today...

10/10.

Berlin CD Review

Lou Reed, 1973.

A Bob Ezrin production, this one (he produced Floyd's The Wall, and MANY well-known concept albums in the 70s).

It's dark, tragic, poignant and beautiful.

I don't know if Lou Reed ever beat this one - all the songs fit and flow together perfectly, the story line is all too easy to follow, and is delivered with just the right balance of pathos and (very dry New York) humour.

The album charts the meeting of Caroline and Jim, and the inevitable, dug-fuelled descent into emotional despair for both, but especially Caroline.

The orchestration is possibly a teensy bit big at times, with woodwind blasting away over full strings, but I find it very attractive and transcendental, and I'm glad Ezrin was hired to blow things up a bit - I reckon it works.

The emotional tour-de-force is "The Kids", sung by Reed-as-Jim, commenting cynically on the sidelines as Caroline's children are taken into custody - but be warned - you will need a box of tissues beside you when you hear this the first time!

I think we all know that Lou Reed can't really sing - it's more a dramatic style of vocalising that he uses - but he uses it perfectly in this set, conveying a full gamut of emotions.

Check out the recent DVD of a live multi-media performance of Berlin, in New York - it's fabulous!

To the CD - harrowing, demanding and genius!

20/10.

G.

Richer, Healthier, Older (poem)

He sat on the edge of my bed, looking down.
He wore a suit, ready for business.
The flashest clothes, the latest communication devices.
We talked about my health.
And I envied him his material possessions.

He sat on the edge of my bed, smiling down.
A runner of half-marathons,
A veteran of the nearby gym and ready for a walk in the park.
We talked softly of my health,
And I envied him the vim and vigour of life.

He sat there, gazing down with wisdom and concern.
His children married to good men and women,
Job prospects and business opportunities and travel destinations opening up,
We talked respectfully about my illness,
And I envied him his fullness of years.

And sometimes I want to rant and rave!
And complain to my Father about the Unfairness Of It All!
And say my gifts were never good enough!
And give me another five, ten or twenty years!
I'll show you what I can do!
And ask "Why?"

This man at the end of my bed -
A ghost, friend, reminder, personal reflection (avatar???),
He is what he is, has what he has,
Do I dare envy anyone the life they have?
I, who barely have enough comprehension of the meaning of my own journey?

Father, simply give me a Good Day...
And when the Good Days finish,
Take me Home,
Free from envy,
And full of the Peace that passes ALL understanding...
Shalom.

In Rainbows CD Review

Radiohead, 2007.

Yes, folks - THIS was the album that began the revolution against the big multi-national global conglomerate record companies by being available on the internet BEFORE coming out in CD format in the shops.

Groundbreaking - though I am definitely a child of an earlier time, who loves wandering into Real Groovy and discovering aural treasures tucked away on this shelf or in that bin...please don't let Real Groovy ever become extinct!

Radiohead, 2007 - a band we have all (?) come to admire, if not love...and that, for some of us, is probably the issue with Radiohead - whereas with U2, you KNOW what Bono is getting at, emotionally, when he lets rip, Thom Yorke's lyrics and indeed his vocal delivery are often disguised, clouded, elusive...one gets a vague sense of sadness or anger, but these are seldom made explicit.

And yet...it would be difficult to find a set of songs today as rhythmically powerful, symphonically majestic or refreshingly novel as this collection - the musical rewards entice us into repeated listenings and THIS is where we develop an acquaintance with the lyrical meaning of the song (lyrics are available in the package).

Favourite songs: All I Need, Faust ARP and Videotape.

10/10 (my 2nd-most favourite Radiohead album so far).

Miracles (blues)

They say a miracle's gonna happen,
And I'm waiting for that day!
With heart and hands wide open,
And you know I'm gonna pray.

They say a Miracle will happen,
But we don't know what it is,
And I'm waiting and I'm wonderin',
A knife edge feels like this.

Some people say you have to make the grade,
And allow your faith to grow,
But your faith can be the smallest seed,
This one thing I know.

Maybe the miracle has started,
When God made us with His Love,
And it will be completed,
When He meets us "up above".

This miracle that's coming,
Lord, send it on its way.
And I thank You for Your gift,
That got me through another day.

Frank's Wild Years CD Review

Tom Waits, 1987.

I think I may have already mentioned that there are basically 2 phases to Tom Waits's output (so far!).
Phase 1 - boozy barfly, telling stories about "low life" and largely piano-based, finishing with the album Heart Attack and Vine.

Phase 2 - Berlin cabaret-influenced deconstructions of...virtually everything, with an expanded instrumental line-up, big on wind...much more "off-beat" in both content and presentation.

What happened?

Well, he met Kathleen Brennan, and was comissioned to write music for theatre pieces in Berlin...anything else??

Frank's Wild Years is in the 2nd phase, though fairly early on.

It has a subtitle on the cover - "Un Operachi Romantico in Two Acts".

And indeed there is a reasonably clear story line to the song cycle - Frank decides to aim for the top and make it big in New York.

The song which clarifies the story best is probably "I'll Take New York", a deconstruction of New York, New York - in fact, one could see the entire album as something derived from Frank Sinatra's real life biog - there's even a song called "Straight to the Top (Vegas)".

My favourite song on this album is "Innocent When You Dream" - poignant and classic Waits.

My heart aches also when I hear "Train Song" about Frank's realisation that maybe he will never make it "home" again...

This album, then, has a very strong narrative, with witty and sizzling instrumentations. For the novice/uninitiated, the question is... will you feel comfortable enough with that raspy voice? It's not an easy listen, but it can be extremely rewarding...

10/10.

Non Negotiable (poem)

My children,
Alexander and Sophie...
You have two Fathers!
Me here on this Earth, all too mortal for my comfort or yours,
And your Father in Heaven, Who is also in your heart NOW!
This is the truth,
It is NON-NEGOTIABLE.

And I have loved you from the moment we could scan your heartbeat,
Through birth,
Through childhood,
Into this confusing time of adolescence.
My love for you is without limit -
Even in those times of pain,
I would choose to hold you
Rather than let go.
NON-NEGOTIABLE.

Here we are...
Uncertain times for all of us,
A mortal coil which is probably loosening up (for me),
Lives which apparently become more complicated (for you both).
And soon you may not see me.
But you will remember me!
And my love for you will NEVER die.
How could it????
It comes wrapped in God's love.
NON NEGOTIABLE.

Your Father loves you beyond the end.
You can tap into this
And be refreshed,
Empowered,
Reassured,
Strengthened,
Protected.

I have never left you,
My love will never leave you,

And the love of YHWH grows in you even as I speak,
Transforming us all into creatures of beauty.

This is without doubt.
This is without reservation.
This is NON NEGOTIABLE.

22810 digested

Morning church - large music team (sometimes leads to less musical definition).
Wore the shawl (no kids to object).
Home to Alexander, drowsing in the sunshine.
Lunch - whatever looks okay from the fridge.
Arvo - Batman The Dark Knight (pretty horrific scenes, and very challenging - directed by Christopher Nolan, whose Inception is topping the movie charts at present).
Alex and I discover a shared desire for a certain secret Dutch treat...
Off to Kiri's baptism in Ellerslie, at C3 church - finding the place was a real mission!
C3 church lively and welcoming - great band and very direct approach.
Home to Lois and Mad Men.

Babylon By Bus CD Review

Bob Marley and the Wailers, 1978.

I THINK 78 was when Bob and co came to NZ and performed at Western Springs and converted everyone in the nation to reggae.
Babylon by Bus is a live album using performances from European concerts in the same year - the track listing would be similar to what was performed here.
Although there is no doubt as to the magic of seeing Marley perform live, a recording of this is bound to fall a little flat.
A more enjoyable and atmospheric live performance is to be found on 73's Live at the Lyceum, and Live at the Roxy is also very good.
The band undoubtedly rocks, the I-3s are undoubtedly soaring vocally, and Bob is undoubtedly in the zone - it's just that this set of recordings doesn't quite take the listeners there.

8/10.

African Herbsman CD Review

Bob Marley and the Wailers, 1971. Trojan.

Yet another obscure compilation.
From the Dark Ages of Reggae, when identity, copyright, ownership, etc. was a little obscure.
This 2003 re-release includes bonus dub versions from The Upsetters, and interesting liner notes.
Essential?
Not really - most of the stuff you hear here can be found on the Lee Scratch Perry JAD albums (prev rev), and on the re-released Burnin' and Catch a Fire.
I like the set, but I don't deny I'm a Marley completist...
And hearing/feeling the drum and bass roll over me at virtually any time is one of life's most soothing and positive experiences.
As to the title? - your guess is as good as mine.

7/10.

St Cuthbert's College Senior Showcase Concert - account

18 August 2010, 6.30pm.

It was free!
It lasted 2 and a half hours!
It was delightful, varied, stimulating.

Really could have done with a bigger audience - people seemed to be in the habit of leaving once their daughter had played...
Very unsporting and unsupportive, I reckon.

With St Cuth's, it's amazing to see the huge number of students learning traditional orchestral instruments.
This allows for tremendous variety within the trad repertoire and a high quality of string playing.

Jazz is also particularly well represented in terms of participation, with highly skilled readers - it will be good to see these performers gaining confidence and taking more risks with their improvisation.

The choirs were outstanding (lovely to see and hear a piece by one of my earliest O.C. students - Steven Rapana, currently over in Europe), and great fun - we were shocked and saddened to hear that Jane Tankersley is leaving...hopefully someone very good will replace her!

Personal fave?
Sebatian Squad performing Jonathan Besser, Saxophone Quartet, and Festival Sanctus.
Time could be shaved (and possibly encourage more people to stay) by reducing each act to one or two items - what to cut, though?
A terrific night of talent and energy.

21810 digested

Quieter day today.
Up before 8.30am.
Off to Columbus for morning coffee with Lois.
I had hot chocolate - their hot choc isn't too sweet, which makes it very tasty.
Chris, Joke and Rachael Brady arrived around 11am, and we listened to Rutles - great parody of The Beatles.
Found myself alone for several hours!
Watched the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland - very psychedelic.
7pm we sit down en familie to watch detective series Numbers.
Butter chicken.
Mad Men 3rd season 2nd disc - Lois reckons she couldn't wait for the first disc to come!
Bed...

20810 digested

A full day.
10am Richard oliver financial adviser visits to advise that Sovereign superannuation won't be paid out until I am dead (unlike all the other funds I have paid into, which have pretty much all paid out).
We have a fascinating chat about Richard's time as a school inspector (the 70s/80s!)

12pm Jane and Penny, hospice and community nurses respectively, visit. They are extremely encouraging and affirming - they are amazed at how well I am looking, and positive about my routines. Yay!

2pm Maria C over for second practice - we are now pretty much ready to "rock the hospice" with our musical act, viola and flute, which we are gonna call "Air on a G String" - we will do nostalgic songs (a lot of stuff from shows, which we both like, plus a fair dollop of Italian movie type songs). Our debut will be next Tue, all going well...

7pm (actually later - trying to get the other vWs to move at the specified time is a neverending BATTLE!!) - into town, to a little Italian restaurant called Covo - it has 3 branches, this one is in Fort St. Menus are simple but authentic and generous, and the service and atmosphere are delightful (behind my seat were some photos of Marlon Brando/Vito Corleone and the caption "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse").

All traipse home happily to bed/facebook/sudoku...

Green CD Review

R.E.M., 1988.

Of course the ironic beauty of this album is that it is called Green, but the cover is orange (and there is also a song called Orange Crush on it!).

Anyway...

This is transitional R.E.M., from the wispy, wiry, angular stuff of Murmur thru to the world-bestriding mega-selling celebrity-inviting tones of Out of Time.
And therefore we have some dark stuff, including I Remember California , World Leader Pretend and Orange Crush (all minor keys/modal, but you can actually hear Michael Stipe's lyrics!).

We also have POP - STAND, GET UP.

I really like the stuff with cello on it, and mandolin, AND I like STAND - wonderful, deconstructed (of course!) pop nonsense.

In terms of popularity, this group, as in the case of Queen's Sheer Heart Attack, were on the...cusp (hmm...I seem to enjoy "cusp" albums!!) of world domination.
In terms of songwriting, the darkness of the first few albums was being left behind (maybe that's what I Remember California is partly about), and sunnier thoughts began to inhabit the lyrics.

9/10.

Police and Thieves CD Review

Junior Murvin.

Some Wailers tracks (early) have Junior Murvin as a guest vocalist.
These are delightful, because no one else sings like Junior.
A smooth, luscious and controlled falsetto.

Chances are the Upsetters are the backing band for this set of songs.

The crowning glory is the title track, which became a huge hit for The Clash when they covered it in the late 70s - sung with a wonderful balance of empathy and irony.

The album is a colourful collection of 70s reggae, with Junior's voice presiding over all - mainly religious (with Rastafarian elements) in content.

So, if you want some good old school reggae, this is for you!

8/10.

Home Where I Belong (B.J. Thomas)

Do check out this song on You Tube - try not to let the accompaniment distract you too much.
Simple and effective - thanks to Maria C, who sent the song to me.



B. J. Thomas Home Where I Belong lyrics"

They say that heavens pretty,
and living here is too.
But if they said that I would have to choose between the two.
I'd go home,
going home,
where I belong.
And sometimes when I'm dreaming,
it comes as no surprise.
That if you look and see the homesick feeling in my eyes.
I'm going home,
going home,
where I belong.
While I'm here I'll serve him gladly,
and sing him all my songs.
I'm here,
but not for long.
And when I'm feeling lonely,
and when I'm feeling blue.
It's such a joy to know that I am only passing through.
I'm headed home,
going home,
where I belong.
And one day I'll be sleeping,
when death knocks on my door.
And I'll awake and find that I'm not homesick anymore.
I'll be home,
going home,
where I belong.
hummmm

Sheer Heart Attack CD Review

Queen, 1975.

This album is special and good because...
It is Queen's 3rd album, and they had managed to iron out most excessively self-indulgent noodly guitar solos.
It is on the cusp of world domination and absolute stardom which would be lavished upon them with their next album (A Night At the Opera).
It has huge variety and an eclectic, questing spirit - honky-tonk, prog, nostalgia, glam, heavy rock, a cappella...
Killer Queen, Tenement Funster and Now I'm Here feature as wonderful representative singles.

Sure, Night At the Opera, released later in the same year, would perfect the style and, dare we say, formula developed on this album...but this one has the appeal of terra incognito, and is a quantum leap away from Queen II...

Definitely worth stashing in your collection.

9/10.

Gerald's Gentle Jam - coming up!

Sunday 29th August.
3pm to 5pm.
Jam session in Giant Room of 26C Carlton St.
Any and all are welcome.

Bring an instrument or at the very least a pair of ears.
Bring something associated with JAM (tart, donut, etc.)to share.

Afternoon tea will be at 3.45pm.
Then finish playing.
Very informal.

Why?
Because jamming is something I really love doing, and I am still well enough to do it, and I don't know how many more opportunities I will have, SO...if you are free, and would like to play/listen, COME!! (electrical instruments should get here a bit earlier to set up your amps, etc.)

Gerald.

The Church Gerald Evening - An Account

Can't really call this a tribute concert - it sounds too grand.
A tribute to Christ in me...and in our fellowship on the night.

Introduction from Michael and Jenny - these 2 have been learning ukuleles recently, and tonight they used them to present a version of My Bonny, which got the audience singing along and ready for whatever may occur later in the evening.

Jamie Wood then sang a solo, a Bruce Springsteen song called "Land of Hopes and Dreams" which hints very strongly at heaven (you won't find it - the song, that is - on any of the studio albums) - Jamie sang his heart out in what was a very emotional performance.

Colleen Sangster was next up with a song entiltled Christopher Robin, which she had sung at an audition for one of my church shows. Colleen's intonation was perfect (she sang unaccompanied), and I would write a show for her any day if I get time!

Surrealism crept in with the next item, a sketch entitled "False Salaam" which featured Adele and Nigel Little as Arabs greeting each other. Short, succinct, and a worthy indicator of how we might welcome visitors to our services!

For those of us who like the letter "F" it was hats off to Jeanette Yancey who presented the parable of the prodigal son using about 90% (polite) F words. The achievement was prodigious - I wonder if there are any using D words???

We next slipped into a classical phase - beginning with the Meditation from Thais (Massenet) played by young Reuben Goetz-Wyllie, accompanied by Judy King - Reuben's intonation (keeping-in-tune-ness) was virtually perfect, and he demonstrated great sensitivity to the piece.

Katherine Austin and James Tennant were next, presenting Rachmaninov's "Vocalise" and a Spanish piece by ??? - if these guys are around at the time, we will be treated to Vocalise again at my funeral - what wonderful tone/sounds!

Patricia Brunell (nee Martin!) has a gorgeous voice, and felt every syllable of the song she sang - one made well known by Gospel Queen Mahalia Jackson (title escapes me!) - Pat has lived every word of what she sings, so this was pretty special.

Dave Machell followed this up with a bit of blarney (didn't realise you had Irish blood in you, Dave!) - in particular an "inflated" story which saw its central character, Don Two (as opposed to Don Juan) vowing to lead a double life!

The next piece presented astounding and hilarious choreography from the McNickle family - everyone with their own moves and almost colliding with each other - what an impressively "tight" family these guys are!

Back into the music - Fiona and Tiffany Ross sang a Brooke Fraser song about deserts, with impeccable vocal harmonies and Fiona's darker, mellow-toned voice providing a wonderful backdrop for tiffany's lighter colours. Tiffany followed this with a song of her own, which shows very promising songwriting skills - keep it up, Tiffany!

Continuing with the younger generation, it was a total surprise and delight to have Andrew and Hannah Allen, who have been in several of my shows, sing a medley of 2 songs, I Will Find You (from Lost)and Safe on Dry Land (from Noah) - beautiful voices, and so moving to have these guys choose my stuff to sing!

The next thing was incredibly powerful - Fred basically gave a toast to me (joking that because we are Baptists, we will need to pretend to raise our virtual glasses!) - Fred has read me so closely since he got here, and THAT was the powerful thing about what he said - I do wonder how many pastors could claim to know their sheep so well...

And then a script prepared by Linda McGrath, who has been involved in every church show I've ever done...unfortunately, Linda was sick! and the script, including an email from the Harrises (previous pastors, and their children) was read out by Jenny (and Andrew). Linda has also put the script into a book, which I have, and it is a real labour of love - come and see it!

Then I sang 2 songs - 1st, accompanied beautifully by Sophie on flute, "For My Friends" (lyrics on blog) and 2nd "Hope" from my set of songs called "Dark Glasses" (CD available from vWs).

And then we hugged, laughed, cried, told stories, ate and drank and went home.

BIG BIG THANKS to Michael, Jenny, Andrew and Aaron who put it all together.

I will remember this forever (thanks also to Fred, whose brainchild it was!)...

Gerald.