Friday, May 6, 2011

Half a year

6 months

Many tears
Holding my daughter
Smiling at bouffy-haired dark slim young old photos with my son
Hundreds of miles of walking and thinking, feeling, experiencing and growing

We are still here
We are still crying
Still managing
Still finding our way

And Gerald is
... doing what?

That bright-shining moment at Pakiri
(glory be to God for dappled things ...)

Gerald was with me
Taught me
Loved me
Hated me
and laughed again

He was beautiful

As we all are and will be in our turns.
Float well, swim strong, revel in the freedom our new growth brings
Alex, Sophie

And now, to mark the occasion even further, this blog has moved ... to ...

Try it if you'd like ...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


Over the months, the 4th person present in our family has become notGerald.

Sophie's male authority figure is notGerald.
Alex's music mate, educator, and anecdotalist is notGerald.
The gentler, softer parent is notGerald.
My sharer, carer, hoper, and left-fielder is notGerald.

Over the following years I guess notGerald will morph into mythicalGerald - that surprising, funny, lively, music-focused, gentle beauty of a person, without too much of the complicating factors.

This morning I dreamt of the ocean closing over change, waves rolling and breaking in sparkly morning light.

I suspect it was related to Gerald’s ashes ceremony, where I (with the help of some of you) freed his incinerated remains into the ocean, and it carried on as if we had done nothing at all – in a few moments he was joined into the hugeness.

But I did also get to look out into a shining horizon, contemplating what could be coming next. Someone took a photo, unknown to me, and sent it to me – I’ve attached it on the right.

Richard D, do you think Gerald would call this photo "Into the Blue"?

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Limited achievement

So I visited S&G again, the morning after the night before.
I enjoyed being there, I enjoyed the interview, it was a happy time, it felt like a place where I could stretch.

So far so irrelevant, really - it all depends on their own feelings about who they'd like in a team.

Hear a still interested / not interested on 12th May.

I'm still loving the work on use of force - right of self-defence against irregular forces, to be precise, and what constitutes an armed attack.
I can't help feeling like a kindergartner playing in the Parent's office, though.

That's an interesting thing - normally one respects people who've got "down and dirty" in whatever field they're pontificating about.
Does this mean only soldiers and spies may speak about state violence?

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Are you a narcisisst?

Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness.

Narcissism is a pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition.

Have to think on this one.


Not even unintentionally
(which would be a contradiction in terms).


Possibilities raise the spectre of disappointment.

So I have an interview next week, at Simpson and Grierson. Summer clerking.
Believe it or not, it's a bit prestigious (in wacky law school terms) to get an interview.
And unlikely for a near-senior-citizen whose last year results reflect last year.
(When last year was one her husband spent mostly dying.)

So pleased.

Love my work at the moment; it's a refuge again instead of a must-do.
First exam 2 months today.

AND 5 months passed on Wednesday with no need for particular sadness on that day itself.
Another step onward.

AND my boy and girl show the (sometimes hidden) promise of their age. Very fragile and beautiful.


You've got to look here

Especially here, at "Third Person"

and here, at "She Was An Angel"


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Takes me seriously, anyway


Oscar Wilde noticed the curious fact that poeple are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously. But I wouldn't take that so seriously as to not let myself feel. However illogically. At times.

Gerald is always here, in rememberings, wantings and dreams.
Less so in chat. This is right, and it encourages the heart not to clutch at the past. Life is lost by too tight a hold, and so is love.

What would I know?
Anyway, I get some good big-picture perspectives from International Human Rights.
We've done death row and the right to life, nearly finished the right to freedom from torture including the sad treatment of Misters Aksoy and Selmouni (for good enough reason? is there ever good enough reason? etc). 9 am Mon, Wed and Fri. Don't have breakfast before the lecture, or you might see it again.

Also from International (Public) Law - the international legal framework - of which the United Nations is the current major institution.

I hope to do an International Economic Regulation paper next semester, along with Intellectual Property, another suitably global topic.

As a result of the international stuff I'm doing -
I'm going to the Asia-Pac Model UN Conference in July (Canberra) as a "New Zealand delegate" (qualifications - show that you know something useful, are keen and confident), which ought to be a great opportunity to shoot my mouth off about things I can't possibly really understand. Luckily, I would have to say the same for the 20 year olds.

With regard to that week, evenings filled with compulsory "after-dark diplomacy", a suggestion from friend CF is probably a good one - it's "time to get out your immature student".
No worries. Practicing already ;-)

Friday, April 1, 2011

Real real soon

Going somewhere fast, not too sure where. Stuff has happened. 2 big weekends in a row, then a prep for test weekend, now tomorrow a youthgroup fundraising working bee with hopefully some useful stuff happening at my place.

There's stuff to do for Africa - how to manage ... don't know, guess I don't need to know ...

Of course, the second big weekend was the sprinkling of Gerald's ashes, which was a lovely time. A gift of a morning, the ocean beach and sunshine and tide all as they would have been at their most ideal, lovely genuine friends and people, and Gerald singing to and laughing with us. I was so glad.

Friday, March 18, 2011

It has to be said ...

... that I am being lectured on International Human Rights by Manny from Black Books right now. Probably Kris would see the humour in that comparison. Hope so, or that he restricts his internet surfing to blawgs rather than plain old blogs.

Ashes, tomorrow ... how to get the lid of the box?