I never think of the future

... it comes soon enough. (Einstein)

Homer's scream echoed well round the 'burbs and city of Auckland, at least ...

Emotion, being, interaction - all briefly back tonight :-)

L

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Mary E Frye

Gerald has been low, sad, feeling useless. No! Not now!
Friday maybe home, maybe not.

Sometimes tummy hurting, sometimes not.
Not usually in great pain, but often uncomfortable.
The swelling in his gut has gone down a lot.

How? to help?
To confront, or to take what is on offer as what is possible?
To face the last chances so starkly - how to cross the pain barrier?




L

I doubted if I should ever come back

... knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost
(excerpt, The Road not Taken)

Someone came to trim trees in our driveway yesterday.
As organised by another Someone.
Someone else dropped of 3 meals, and 2 lots of baking.
2 other Someones got rid of some rubbish from our garage.

Throughout, there have always been Someones.
Some are Ones for a season, and the turnover is good, because recovery is necessary.

Will we run out of Someones?
Maybe not. There is a different phase setting in - a change in the terrain, a catching of breath and a re-commitment, before a final surge to this particular finishing line.

School holidays.

L

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

Theodore Roethke

The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

- Yeats

There is more to this poem, but this (the start) is what I love.
The words are much denser and harsher and more brilliant than in the rest of the poem.

This is the 2nd of the poems I gave Gerald to set.

The Doctor suggests Gerald comes home Friday.
Nurse(s?) is not sure about that.
Doctors say goes.
Gerald is getting the hard word about moving more.
And it is upsetting him.
And that is upsetting me.

Over the road to the pub in the wheelchair?
If you had 30 days (or so) ...?

L

I take a simple view

... of living - keep your eyes open and get on with it. (Laurence Olivier)

I seem to have confused people with a comment around law school, sorry -

So, to clarify, it's like this:
I'm in the process of dropping 1 of the 4 papers.
If I can carry on with the other 3 and pass them somehow, any old how, I will not lose the year.
If I can only do 2 papers the situation is quite different.
I have 3 weeks max to make up my mind about these remaining 3 papers.
Exams start in 4 weeks + 5 days.
The aim would be to compensate for the inevitable poor results by truly excellent results in the following years.

K?

Fact is, I love what I am doing. Academia wouldn't be for me, I need to Make Something Happen, but I love learning this new discipline (that could change!).

Always I've needed to tone down my awareness of complexity, feel for different perspectives, and tendency to argue. Suddenly these are strengths!

Added to which, I really enjoy using language with precision, humour and creativity, and love considering that nexus between logic and behaviour that results in us people Doing what we Do.
Law seems to be all about people and their stories (What Goes Wrong and Why), applying, in varying proportions, a set of rules for the sake of certainty, and substantive considerations to correct power imbalances.

Gerald has a parotid gland infection (like mumps) that he's not excited about ... due to lack of fluid probably. Antibiotic and fluid drip will hopefully do the trick.

Some days he is a little brighter than others, still mostly sleeping and eyes shut, a little more wakeful toward evening.
Perhaps improving in spirits overall? I think?

Daylight saving starts, dark cold mornings with the promise of the still cicada'd afternoons of summer to come ...

L

What's not to like?

Oh, and -
Thanks Mum - poor health + an inexplicable child or few yet still helping all the time
Thanks Fred - awareness of the illusory character of adulthood
Thanks Patricia - on behalf of the ducklings
Thanks Adele - free-spirited, conscientious, life-loving and persistent
(this is loads of fun ....!)

Next Monday we will re-assess the situation - if Gerald has stayed the same he may come home.
If so he will need someone with him round the clock.

I've been asked to put my thinking cap on in case we should need to achieve this ...
But right now, not thinking, going to have a rest.

L

World without end

Time to publish 6 poems. Some of "my" poems I asked Gerald to set for me.
I think extracts might be best - the first one from Eunice Tietjens, climber.

---

But I shall go down from this airy place, this swift white peace,
this stinging exultation.
And time will close about me, and my soul stir to the rhythm
of the daily round.
Yet, having known, life will not press so close, and always I shall feel time
ravel thin about me;
For once I stood
In the white windy presence of eternity.

- Eunice Tietjens

---

Thanks Dierdre - thoughtful and self-sacrificing
Thanks Richard - conversation
Thanks other Richard - opportunistic practical offer
Thanks Joke - knowing without being told
Thanks Carla - carrying on confidently
Thanks Plonie - bearing the burden of being local
Thanks Rachael - trying to run, gives me hope
Thanks Christie -

A random list, I guess there will be more.

L

Downdate

Ongoing difficulties.

The idea of moving to oral meds discarded for now at least. Pain intermittent. Lethargy and withdrawal constant. Positive interaction sporadic but definite, moments of light briefly flashing onto the on the narrow, vertiginous path.

Alex and Sophie have been able to be wonderfully supportive of Dad - we're all getting more used to Very Sick Gerald.

Sophie's piano exam was yesterday - she courageously got to her exam and sat it, despite everything. Great relief - it's done! And end of term for Sophie yesterday. Alex next week.

The Great Storm has so far left us and ours undamaged ... not all have been so blest.

I am doing some admin with the University to change things to avoid complicating the situation by collapse :-)
I have had some very good support, though officially no promises.
I've given up the idea of finishing a full second year of law this year; infinite capacity is an attribute I don't have.

Many things and people are lovely. Encouragement is always a good thing.

Richard, I liked your note, twin-edged as ever ... Loisian being a descriptor neither positive or negative in itself. Really very very nice to hear from you.

L

Strategy and tactics

Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat ...

Strategy: know everyone can't be pleased, so find my own direction
(be myself, everyone else is already taken).
Tactic: look after people in their important moments.
Tactic: take frighteningly bold steps some of the time.
Tactic: listen out for ideas from everywhere.
ah, well ...

Gerald will be re-assessed on Monday for possible home-time.
He has not had stability with his bowel yet; every day different, ranging from relatively still and a little sudoku and chat, to - worst day - mostly comatose.

We three are wrung out, strung out, sometimes grieved out, and glad there is some sleep each night.
Our times will come again.

L

PS Lionel Shriver's latest, "So Much for That", which came through from the library 3 weeks ago, has been my read-a-page book since then.
For those who don't know, it is the stunningly straightforward and exquisitely recognisable account of a situation similar to ours (a novel).
Reading it right now is the intellectual and emotional equivalent of picking at an open wound - fascinating, irresistible, and mildly stupid as activities go.

Interesting

... that is, there are all sorts of discoveries I'm making. Rarely (though not never) have I lived so very fully -
- each moment spoken for many times over
- a great variety of challenges (pressures)
- inputs from all directions
- conflicting priorities which make any decision a good decision (just pick a perspective to match, it's easy).

So far, so good.

Gerald will be assessed for perhaps returning home, after the weekend.
He is on a constant high dose of morphine now (subcutaneous), as well as all the other stuff (why list them?).

He seems low, with sporadic roars into life, funny crazy, still entertaining ...
I want to make it good.
I don't know whether I don't know how, or nobody knows how, or nobody could know how (contractual right to be glad for life frustrated by impossibility at present?).

Kids ...
Sophie has "new" room.
Pale blue.
Given budget, chosen colours and furniture, done painting, ably assisted by Andrew.
:-)

Alex's turn next.

L

I don't want to make the wrong mistake

Do you?

After a very ill few days, Gerald has made some improvement again last night.

Had a big chat with the Doctor yesterday; things could go 1 of 3 ways:
1. improve for a bit (with maybe more rounds of the process to go)
2. stay about the same
3. get worse now

Looks like number 1 or number 2 at this stage.

Apologies for brevity borne of at-capacity-ness.
Keep moving.

L

Longing for release

Damn straight

More pains.

Father's day.

We have a new classy, navy and black, symbolic, shirt.

I'll take it in at lunchtime.

And a piece of chocolate.

And yoghurt.

Cos Gerald can have a little stuff that is liquidish or melts.

Traffic is not gridlocked - yay! (motorway closure).

Alex distinguished himself winning 2 games of Megazone last night. How did he get so good at shooting people in the dark? You work it out ...

L

Life: a dodgy product?

Go on, laugh - you can do it!

L

And if you've got to sleep ...

... a moment on the road, I will steer for you. (Cohen)

I've just come back from taking Gerald back into the hospice, where they will try to treat the bowel and get it working again, or maybe not this time, or ...

Dr Richard talked us through some scenarios to maintain maximum quality of experience if and when the bowel stops working, which he expected it might - though probably not yet.

We had been trying to avoid going back to the hospice, but I loved seeing Gerald relax when he got there ... much emotional relief at that.

Back to my children. Who don't know about the hospice trip yet.

Alex just done his last exam for this set, the last pre-Cambridge exam mocks.
Sophie's recent haiku:

people cut me out
but somehow there ain't no gap
in the paper chain

Feeling life's edgy, uncertain, but real joys - gritty but halfway reassuring: that's my girl.

News posted here as it breaks (our hearts)

L